


Only Know You Love Him When You Let Him Go

by Anatraart



Series: Never Forget You [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accidents, Coma, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Hospitalization, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, James is too pure, Kidnapping, M/M, Murder, Oh there is a suicide attempt, Oh wait, Roommates, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, Washington is too old for this shit, but that doesnt come until later, comatose character, i'll add tags as i go, john no, no spoilers tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-05-26 07:56:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14996333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anatraart/pseuds/Anatraart
Summary: Alexander was happily dating John. Everything was fine. Then it wasn't. John dumps him without telling him anything. But it gets better for him. He falls for his roommate. Sure, cheesy romance film esque, but he was happy. it took so long to find it after the breakup.After breaking up with Alexander, John was fine. He was free from a clingy and sometimes idiotic boyfriend. But when he begins to see Alexander going out and falling in love with Thomas Jefferson of all people, it breaks his heart. He realizes too late, that he let the love of his life slip through his fingers. He grows depressed, he lost his only friends and his love. He was truly alone.





	1. One

When Alexander left for the bar that night, it was to have a fun night with his boyfriend. He ended up staying to get so wasted he would forget that he got dumped after over an hour of Alexander trying to have fun, and John finding reasons to just stay in a far corner.

“Jackie, what’s wrong? You’ve been so distant all night. Are you alright?” Alexander spoke softly, hoping John couldn’t see how worried he was. He reached across the table, forgetting his attempt so seem fine when John jerked his hand away from him.

“I think we should break up…” was all John had to say before silently getting up, paying for his tab and leaving, leaving Alexander sitting there, looking after him. He was known for always having something to say, but as he watched John walk out he had nothing to say. He sat there silently for a few minutes before getting up and ordering another drink. He refused to let himself cry, and instead decided to try and forget what he had just heard. 

_ Of all people…  _

»»————- ————-««

Just as Thomas was laying down to go to sleep, Alexander barged into their dorm, tripping over a pile of books. He sighed, sitting up and turning the light on, only to see Alexander still on the floor.

“What the hell? I was just about to go to sleep.”

Thomas watched as Alexander tried to get up, only to fall over again, this time with a louder  _ thud.  _ He got up and walked over, reaching out a hand to help him up. “Are you drunk or something?” He asked as Alexander took his hand, struggling to stand.

All he got in response was a nod, before he watched Alexander quickly make his way to the bathroom, the sound of him throwing up clear in the room. Thomas sighed, grabbing some advil and a glass of water before joining Alexander in the bathroom. The smaller man was sitting with his back against the bathtub, his hair messed up. He knelt down next to him, handing him the pills and the water. Without the need to say anything, Alexander smiled gratefully, taking the pills and downing the water.

Thomas helped Alexander pull his hair into a bun to prevent any puke from getting in it, luckily finishing just before Alexander had another round of throwing up.

After a while of Alexander throwing up and Thomas getting him water each time, Thomas decided to get him some clothing to change into. He grabbed a sweater he was sure the small man had stolen from his boyfriend, as it was gigantic and some sweatpants, walking back in and setting them down next to him. After one glance at the sweater Alexander broke into tears, shaking on the floor. He looked like a mess.

“Hey… breathe. It’s alright.” Thomas asked as he moved down to hug him.

“It’s not okay. It’ll never be okay. I’m alone again.” He spoke between sobs, resting his head on Thomas’ shoulder. “John just dumped me for god knows what, and now im crying in a bathroom, confiding in  _ you _ of all people.” Thomas looked taken aback by the last statement, but didn’t let go. He stayed silent however, unsure of what to say.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Alexander sobbing into Thomas’ shoulder, while Thomas just sat there quietly. When Alexander finally pulled away, Thomas dropped his arms, looking at him. 

“Sorry… I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.” Thomas felt bad as he saw Alexander look down, seeming to be focused on the tile.

“Don’t be. It’s alright. You had a rough night.” He stood up and left the bathroom, taking the sweater with him. A few moments later he reentered, tossing Alexander one of his sweaters. “Now get changed and go lay down. It’s late,”

Alexander nodded and carefully stood up, watching as Thomas left the bathroom. Once the door was closed he took a moment to look at the sweater Thomas had given him. He knew it wasn’t his or  _ John’s… _ He tried not to cry as he thought of the name.

When he re emerged a few minutes later, the sweater dangling of this small frame he noticed Thomas was already laying in bed, a light off. Alexander made his way to his bed, turning off the light. He didn’t bother with pulling a blanket over himself. He knew he’s find a way to cocoon himself in his blankets one way or another.

»»————- ————-««

Over the course of the next week, Alexander begun hanging out with Thomas and James in place of John. As Lafayette and Hercules were still vacationing in France, it was his best option, apart from sulking in his bed. He had begin to ignore his phone completely, not answering calls or texts, knowing people would just be asking how he was doing. It was nice, being around Thomas and James. He could argue and debate with them, which was something he admittedly enjoyed doing.

It was actually nice, though. He had originally grown to dislike the pair of them, but after actually getting to know them, he learned they weren’t as bad as he had originally thought.  _ I’m sure Laf would be loving this.  _ He thought. Alexander was excited for his friends to get back. It was odd enough not having John bugging him at all hours, and some familiarity would be nice. Sighing, He decided he needed to go and do something. His mind was going off, and last time it started doing that he ended up in tears.

Thomas was the first one to notice Alexander staring off into space. He walked over and set a hand on his shoulder, smiling when Alexander looked up at him. “You alright?”

“Yea.” Alexander nodded. “I’m fine… we should go do something. Get out of the dorm for a bit.”

“Alright. Why don’t we go get some coffee at that quaint little shop on the corner.”

“Sounds good.” Alexander stood up and stretched, Thomas noticing he was wearing the sweater he had given him again. There was no way he was getting it back at this point. He knew Alexander tended to steal everyone’s sweaters and warm clothing.

»»————- ————-««

John made a small growl when he awoke to James vacuuming their room. He rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head. “Ughh. It’s so early. Why are you cleaning already?”

All he got was a dirty look from James.

John sat up and ran a hand through his tangled hair. “It's literally 8 in the morning on a goddamn  _ Saturday _ .”

James turned off the vacuum and silently put it away, before walking back over to John. “I have tried to be as calm about this as possible. I have tried to ignore you, and all your bullshit. But I can’t! It’s so goddamn annoying! You act like nothing's wrong! You act like it’s  _ okay _ that Alexander showed up at his dorm at three in the morning, drunk off his ass and barely able to stand!”

“I didn't-” John was cut off by James.

“You didn't care. You just up and left him at the damn bar after breaking his damn heart! I get a call the next morning from Thomas telling me to bring some painkillers and tea, because Alexander was probably going to have a shitty hangover. And you couldn’t have chosen a worse time to pull something like this, as his other friends are in fucking France,  _ halfway across the world _ . Unable to help him or do anything!” By the end of his rant, he was breathing heavily, walking out off the room red in the face. 

John watched silently as James left their room. Since when had Alexander gotten so close with Thomas and James?

»»————- ————-««

“I’m telling you! Something is up with them! Neither have answered their phones in a week, and I can’t even get ahold of Thomas!” Lafayette said quickly as he paced the room.

“Laf, just breathe. I’m sure everything is fine.” Hercules watched from a couch as his boyfriend walked in repetitive circles.

“But what if something happened to them?” Lafayette stopped in front of him, frowning.

“I doubt something happened. Worst case scenario, Alex’s body finally caught up with the fact the man  _ never _ sleeps.” Hercules was smiling even as he said it, letting out an  _ ouch! _ When Lafayette proceeded to hit him.

“It’s not funny Herc!”

“Fine. Why don’t we try calling Madison. I mean if you’re close with Jefferson and they’ve been friends their whole lives, you have his number, correct?”

Lafayette nodded and pulled out his phone. “I haven’t used it in years but yes, I have his number.” With a small smile, Lafayette sat down next to Hercules, who wrapped an arm around him. He dialed the number, putting it on speaker.

»»————- ————-««

James was sitting in a coffee shop with Alexander and Thomas when his phone rang. He pulled it out, looking at in confusion. 

“Who is it?” James heard Thomas ask, pulling him out of his mind.

“It’s Lafayette.” He answered the phone, putting it on speaker so the others could hear. “Hello?”

“James! It’s been a while. How are you?” Lafayette’s voice was worried on the other side, earning a concerned look from Alexander.

“I’m doing fine, you haven’t called in ages. What’s up?” Alexander looked at the phone while James spoke, a look of nervousness on his face.

“Well, I haven’t been able to get ahold of Alex, John, or even Thomas and I was growing concerned. Especially about Alex, he’s always awake when I call.”

This time, Alexander spoke up. “I’m so sorry Laf I’ve been ignoring my phone-” He was cut off by Lafayette’s onslaught of French, which was noticeably silenced by Hercules telling him he was speaking too fast.

“Sorry. But what the hell? Wait who all is with you? What happened? Are you and John okay?”

It was Thomas’ turn to reply. “Laf, breathe. Everything is alright… some stuff happened between Alexander and Laurens and James and I have been trying to help Alexander through it.”

“Wait, is it just you three? What happened between Alexander and John? Where is John anyways? And-”

James cut Lafayette off. “John dumped Alex. He’s probably still living it up in our dorm, not giving a single shit as to how his  _ best friend _ ,” He said the last bit as if it tasted bad in his mouth, “has been doing.”

“Wait, he did what? That’s so unlike John? Are you sure he wasn’t drunk? I mean he was so happy with Alex…” Hercules jumped in, obviously worried about his friends.

“Laf, Herc, I’ll be fine. You two enjoy your time away. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t think I don’t know Laf is looking at plane tickets. I know you guys. I’m doing just fine.” Alexander spoke with an obviously fake smile, the pain clear in his eyes and voice.

“Alexander stop lying! You broke down the other day walking back from a class because you saw John walking by, across the quad.” By this point, Thomas had wrapped an arm around Alexander, who looked as if he was trying to not cry when he heard John’s name.

“You know what, I just bought the tickets. We’ll be home by tonight there. See you soon.” Was all Lafayette had to say before hanging up.

It took all of 30 seconds for Alexander to give up on not crying and for Thomas to have his arms around the smaller man, reassuring him that everything would be okay softly.

»»————- ————-««

That night, while watching a movie in Alexander and Thomas’ dorm, the three men heard a knock on the door. James, who was sitting closest got up and opened it up, while Thomas paused the movie. Before anyone got a chance to see who it was, Lafayette was in the dorm and hugging Alexander, who had previously been about to fall asleep on Thomas’ shoulder.

“Alex I’m so sorry it took so long. Are you alright? How are you holding up?” Alexander smiled a little, hugging his friend back.

“I’m- I’ll be- I’m fine… No I’m not who the hell am I kidding Laf what did I do wrong?” Alexander begun to cry into the frenchman’s shoulder, while Hercules sat down next to him.

“Buddy you did nothing wrong. Thomas texted us the full story. He shouldn’t have done that to you, I’m so sorry.” Hercules set a hand on Alexander’s back while he spoke.

Lafayette pulled away from him, wiping his messy face off. “Just breathe. We’re going to go talk to John and see what the actual fuck happened in his mind to think it was okay to do that to you. You deserve so much better.”

“Don’t kill anyone Laf… Just because I’m upset with him doesn't mean you and Herc need to be.”

“He broke your heart,  _ mon ami _ ! I’m sure you would do the same this if it was Herc in your position and me being the one to break his heart.”

“F-Fine… Just don’t kill him, okay?”

“I make no promises.” Was all the frenchman had to say, before making his way up to leave, to go  _ ‘talk’ _ with John.

»»————- ————-««

John was watching Netflix on his laptop when Lafayette and Hercules barged into his dorm, Lafayette crossing his arms.

“What the hell have you done?”


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lafayette and Hercules yell at John. Alexander is a queen and gets what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! There may not be many of you, but every bit of support makes my day!

“What are you talking about?” Was all John got to say before Lafayette begun to shout at him in rapid French. He barely understood the language as it is, only catching short phrases and words, such as  _ Que diable, Pourquoi voudrais-tu,  _ and _ Vous ne méritez pas quelqu'un comme Alexander.  _ After a few moments, Hercules walked up from behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Laf, you’re speaking in French. You know John doesn’t speak it too well.” Hercules’ voice was calm, but from the bits of what he understood of Lafayette’s rant, he knew his calm was more than not knowing why. He understood that they knew he had dumped Alexander. 

“It’s probably best I don’t understand it all to well, from the bits and pieces I did understand.” John said with a scoff. He felt bad, after what James had told him, but he also knew it wasn’t entirely his fault.

“Oh so it doesn't matter to you? It doesn’t matter that Alex is  _ falling apart _ , and can barely hold himself together? Does he mean nothing to you? Did you not care about him as much as you claimed? He just cried for ages, at the slight mention of your name. John you may have just  _ broken _ Alexander.” Lafayette had worked John into a corner, looking as if he could hit him at any moment.

“Laf, I’m sorry. I started a new medication-” He was cut off again by Lafayette’s persistent yelling.

“No! Don’t try to blame this on anything other than yourself. I’ve never seen him this upset. Not even when he and  _ Eliza _ had broken up, and you know how bad that one had hurt him.” And he did. Alexander had barely been able to get out of bed for days, and when he did he wouldn’t eat. “The poor man hasn’t had  _ anything _ other than coffee and a granola bar since you broke his heart. Ad you did more than end the relationship, John. By leaving him like that you just ended your friendship. So congratulations.” 

John watched as Lafayette raised a hand to hit him, and he flinched back. John shut his eyes, waiting for it to come. He knew he deserved it. If he was as bad as Lafayette said, he knew he had messed up. He waited for a few moments before opening his eyes, only to see Hercules holding Lafayette’s hand back. “Come on, Laf. Let’s go before you do something you’ll regret.” Lafayette nodded and allowed himself to be lead out by his boyfriend, leaving John there, sitting in the corner. Before the two left, he heard Hercules saying, “You need to find a way to fix this. Alex is a disaster right now.” before leaving. From the tone in Hercules’ voice, however, he knew he was the one who needed to leave.

»»————- ————-««

Later that night, Alexander eventually fell asleep. It was restless. He opened his eyes, only to see he was standing in a corner, Lafayette and Hercules standing in front of him with devious smiles playing on their lips.

“Why am I in a corner…?” He asked tentatively.

“Well because you need to know, just how weak you truly are. John was right. You are the weakling of the group.” Lafayette’s accent was thick as he spoke, something that Alexander knew only occured when he was truly annoyed. “ _ Worthless _ ” He spit the word at him.

“W-wait, Laf?” His voice began to shake as he held in tears. They knew he hated being called weak. Hated people using his size to make fun of him.

“Aww. Look, Laffy. He’s gonna cry. Like the tiny little thing he is.” Hercules wrapped an arm around Lafayette lovingly, smiling at the small chuckle his comment got from him. “He’s so useless.”

Alexander felt the tears begin to run down his face, shutting his eyes tightly as if it would make them disappear. He listened to them laughing at him, before opening his eyes and shooting up in his bed, his face wet with tears. After a moment he began to cry again, pulling his knees closer to his chest. He shoved his face in his knees as he let out a sob, shaking like crazy. He continued to cry like that for however long, it felt like hours to him, before feeling a hand on his shoulder and hearing a voice with a thick, sleepy southern accent speak to him. 

“Shh… You alright Alex?” He felt Thomas sit on his bed next to him, giving him no warning when he latched on to him as if his life depended on it.

“I-I…”

“Shh~” He felt a hand begin to gently rub his back while he cried.

Despite him being mid-breakdown, he was happy that Thomas was there. He didn’t know why, but his presence soothed him. He closed his eyes, gently nuzzling Thomas’ chest.

“I-I’m sorry f-for-” He was cut off before he got a chance to continue to apologise. 

“Don’t apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Alexander nodded, loosening his grip on Thomas.

Alexander continued to cry, his sobs slowly becoming fewer and farther between. When Thomas finally dared to talk, he pulled away a little so he could see the immigrant’s face. “Would you mind telling me what your nightmare was about?” This brought on some more tears, and Thomas pulled him close again, deciding to let him tell him in his own time.

After a while, Alexander finally spoke. “Laf and Herc were mailing fun of me… calling me worthless, telling me… telling me J- _ John, _ ” He said the name with a mix of longing and anger. “John was right for leaving me the way he did.” He felt tears falling down his face again, but continued on, feeling Thomas’ grip on him tighten.  “Telling me I was weak, and small, and useless… They just laughed and watched me cry… they were enjoying my pain.” By the end of what he was saying, he was bawling again.

“Shh… You know neither of them would ever act like that, right?” Thomas paused, continuing when he felt Alexander nod against his chest. “They’d never hurt you, okay? And if they did I’ll always be here for you.”

It took a while for Alexander to calm down enough to try to go back to sleep, but when Thomas moved to geet up, Alexander grabbed his hand.

“Hm?” Thomas looked back to Alexander, who was looking at him nervously.

“Stay?” Alexander asked quietly, glad his blush was hidden by the darkness in their room.

Sensing that Alexander truly needed someone with him, he nodded, laying down next to him on the small bed. Thomas wrapped his arms around Alexander, pulling him close into his chest, closing his eyes. Thomas did his best to stay awake until he heard Alexander’s breath even out, finally allowing himself to give into the sleepiness creeping behind his eyelids.

»»————- ————-««

The next morning, Lafayette and Hercules got coffee and donuts for everyone from the local coffee shop. Lafayette made sure he had Alexander’s favorite, and a giant cup of black coffee for him. When they got to the dorm, they knocked, and upon hearing no response, decided to use Lafayette’s spare key to get inside. When they walked in, the first thing Lafayette noticed was that Thomas’ bed was empty. The second thing he noticed was that Thomas was in Alexander’s bed, snuggled up with him.

Lafayette let out a loud gasp, smiling and giggling at the sight. He had always said the two would be a cute couple. They were so different, yet so similar. It was one of the many things he had noticed, with growing up with Jefferson, and living with Alexander when they had been taken in by the Washingtons.

Hercules smiled at him, setting the food and coffees down to take a few photos, before watching Lafayette walk beside the bed, letting out a loud scream, which woke both of them up quickly. Alexander and Thomas both shot up, their faces turning a shade of red when they noticed Lafayette and Hercules.

The aforementioned men broke out in laughter, Thomas awkwardly moving over to his bed, glad he had worn sweatpants to bed the night before. It would have looked so much worse had he been in nothing but his boxers.

When Lafayette and Hercules finally calmed down, Alexander decided to speak. “I-It wasn’t what it looked like, Laf, I-” He was cut off by Lafayette shushing him.

“Doesn’t matter,  _ mon petit lion _ , Just don’t get hurt.” Alexander nodded, looking over to Thomas and smiling a bit. “Oh! And we brought food!” Lafayette added quickly, walking over to the cus and grabbing Alexander’s handing it to him.

Alexander took the cup gratefully, taking a few quick chugs of the drink before setting it down on the nightstand.

They ate the donuts in peace, the only time things got riled up being when Alexander stole half of Herc’s coffee, downing it in a couple of gulps. After a while of talking, James came in, giving them a disapproving look when he noticed the empty cups and box of donuts. Despite this, he walked over and sat down next to Thomas, joining in on the conversation.

The five of them hung out casually throughout the day, deciding to order food instead of sending someone to get it. By the time night rolled around, they had decided to play Cards Against Humanity. They sat n a circle on the ground, Alexander to the left of Thomas, James on Thomas’ right, and Lafayette in Hercules’ lap, next to Alexander and James.

After a while of playing normally, they decided to have whoever wins each round take a shot. It only took a little bit for Alexander and Lafayette, bless their fucked up humor, to be wasted, Thomas was borderline drunk by this point and Hercules and James’ innocent lil minds were both fine.

Alexander looked up at Thomas with a smile before scooting closer to him and resting his head on his shoulder. Lafayette watched them for a moment before breaking out in giggles.

“What’s so funny?” Hercules asked, genuinely confused.

“Well, you see, for years. Like it's been a while. I’ve always told them they'd be cute together.” Alexander and Thomas turned red, knowing full well of the frenchman’s failed attempts to get them together over the years. “They’re so different, yet they’re literally the same person.”

“Oh shut up Laf. I’m just tired, and he’s the closest person.” Alexander looked pointedly at Lafayette while he spoke.

Lafayette noticed a glimpse of something flashover Thomas’ face when Alexander spoke, not catching what it was, and deciding to figure it out later. He was too drunk to deal with it then. “Okay okay. Fine.”

They continued to play their game, Thomas at one point wrapping his free arm around Alexander, he couldn’t remember when.

“We should get going. It’s getting late.” James finally said. Thomas nodded in agreement, noticing Alexander slowly falling asleep against him.

“Alright. See you guys later.” Thomas waited for the others to leave before carefully picking up Alexander and setting him in his bed. He turned to head to his bed, only to be stopped by Alexander loosely grabbing his wrist.

“Don’t leave…” Alexander slurred.

“You sure?” All Thomas got in response was a nod and Alexander scooting over to make room. With a sigh, Thomas laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around the small immigrant.

“Am I not allowed to sleep in my bed anymore?” He asked jokingly, only then noticing Alexander was already asleep. Thomas smiled, enjoying how peaceful he looked, before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to yell at me!


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John assumes some things. Alexander is more confused with his feelings than I am with my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> This chapter contains descriptive self-harm. The scene is italicised so it is easier to scroll past. Be safe loves!
> 
> Also, big thanks to talking-bout-you-not-to-you on Tumblr, they have been a huge help for me, with writing and with ideas, even when they don't know I'm getting ideas xD Go show them some love! https://talking-bout-you-not-to-you.tumblr.com/

John wakes up in the morning already knowing he was either going to love today or hate it. He had decided the night before he was going to try and fix everything with Alexander. He wanted everything to go back to normal. Wanted him back. He missed holding him. He missed being able to kiss and hug him.

This is what got him through the first part of his morning, getting him out of bed and ready. The hope he would get him back got him to go to his dorm. He took a deep breath outside of the dorm. He carefully opened the door, heart shattering at what he noticed almost immediately.

Thomas fucking Jefferson had his arms wrapped around Alexander protectively, Alexander cuddled into him and looking, calm. Happy. He looked so happy. With tears threatening to spill he turned around and ran out of the room, slamming the door when he left the room.

Thomas awoke to his door being slammed, sitting up in bed. When he did so, he heard Alexander protesting, latching onto his arm.

“Nuuu don’t get up.” He chuckled and laid back down, wrapping his arms around the small immigrant. It only took a few minutes for them both to fall asleep again.

»»————- ————-««

Almost as soon as he closed the door to his dorm, John broke down. He couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He fell to the floor, sobbing. He stayed like that until he heard James speak to him.

“You alright?” He looked up, his face red and puffy.

“What the hell do you think? You never thought to mention that Alexander’s been sleeping with Jeffershit?!” He watched as James’ face flashed with confusion, almost immediately going back to a neutral expression.

“It doesn’t matter what he does now. You’re the one who left him.” He scoffed. “Literally and figuratively.”

John had no response to that. He only stood and walked to the bathroom, locking the door and leaning against the door while sitting on the floor. He continued to sob, He looked at where he kept his razor, thinking. Was this really worth it?

He thought for a few minutes before deciding it was.

_John made a move to open the cupboard door that leads to where his razor was kept. ‘Shouldn’t be that hard, should it? You won’t be missed. Alex has moved on.’ He kept telling himself this as he reached into the cupboard and gripped the handle of his razor._

_‘Just do it already. You’re stupid if you think you can get Alex back. Don’t be such a coward.’ Slowly drawing his hand out of the cupboard, John noticed the shiny metal of the razor. “Here we go.”_

_Moving his hand towards it he felt the cold metal on his wrist. ‘Do it you bastard!’ With that thought, he cut open his wrist. Feeling the blood spilling out, he kept on going._

_‘Keep going, you worthless piece of shit. No one wants you. You’re going to be alone all your life.’ Slowly sliding up the wall, John moved towards the sink. ‘This is what your life has become. Look at you, standing in the bathroom by yourself, feeling sorry for yourself, self-harming. Be happy for Alexander, at least he’s not tied down to someone as pathetic as you._

_He’s got Jefferson as his fuck-buddy and James, Laf and Herc as his friends, tied around his tiny finger. He’s built a new life, he doesn’t need you anymore. No one does. Just kill yourself.’ These thoughts were welling up in John’s head as he just stared at himself in the mirror._

_“Fuck” Moving down to grab bandages out of the cupboard, John just ignore the voice in his head, telling him to kill himself. Tears started spilling out of his eyes as he glanced from his wrist to the bandages. Gauging how much he’d last out there._

_He sobbed silently as he watched the blood leak through yet another bandage. John couldn’t seem to get the bleeding to stop. He sighed as he carefully redid the bandages, the tears at this point being more from the physical pain he was in._

It was bittersweet. He knew Alexander would probably yell at him for this, but what did he care? He had Thomas now. James’ reaction to what he had said obviously showing just that. It took John almost 30 minutes to get the bleeding to stop. He hated it. He knew someone was going to notice. He couldn’t hide it from Alexander…

No. He didn’t have Alexander anymore. He had been tossed aside like nothing. Lafayette was wrong. Alexander was doing just fine without him.

When James saw John eventually leave the bathroom, he looked at him questioningly. He noticed John was wearing a sweater he hadn't been wearing previously. When John shook his head he decided to ignore it, returning to his work

»»————- ————-««

When Alexander finally decided to get up, he sat up, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to rid himself of the grogginess. Alexander smiled when he saw Thomas still asleep beside him. Being careful not to wake him up, he slid out of the bed and pulled on a sweater.

Alexander grabbed his wallet and keys, smiling at Thomas’ sleeping figure before leaving a few heading to the coffee shop.

Thomas awoke a little while after, frowning when he noticed Alexander was gone. Looking around the room, he noticed he wasn’t even in the dorm. When he stood to check the bathroom, the door opened and Alexander entered, holding two drinks

“Oh! You’re awake. I tried getting back before you did.” Thomas grinned when he saw the light blush and smile on Alexander’s face.

“It’s fine, don’t worry.” Thomas watched Alexander walk over and sit on the bed next to him, taking the drink Alexander offered as he did so.

Alexander nodded and pulled his legs underneath him, taking a sip of his coffee. He sat there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. He was starting to become confused. He missed John. He missed him a lot. He wanted John back. But at the same time, when nobody else was there, despite their quarrels Thomas was there. And he enjoyed being around him. He liked having Thomas there. Lafayette may have been onto something when he said they’d be good together. He said such whenever he saw Alexander or Thomas do practically anything.

Smiling, Alexander thought of something that had happened back when they were all in high school. Lafayette had brought Thomas home to hang out for a bit, and he and Thomas had gotten into a heated argument. Lafayette had gotten scissors and looked as if he was trying to cut the air. When asked what he was doing, he simply replied, “Trying to cut the sexual Tension in this room. It’s not working.”

As if Thomas knew where his thoughts were, Alexander felt Thomas wrap an arm around him.

Thomas’ heart skipped a beat when he felt Alexander lean into him, pulling him closer. They drank their drinks in a comfortable silence, eventually moving farther back on the bed so they were leaning against the wall.

Alexander decided to grab his laptop and play some Netflix, blushing when he felt the arm that had previously been resting on his arm move down to his waist. They stayed like that for a while. Cuddled into each other, watching a movie. It was only interrupted when Alexander’s phone dinged.

“Can you tell me what it says?” Alexander asked. With a nod, Thomas looked at the phone, scoffing when he saw who it was from. “Who is it?” Thomas heard him ask.

“Laurens. Says he’s sorry and he needs to talk to you. Wants to meet up or something.” Alexander choked on his drink when he heard those words. Was he surprised? Of course. But it was also confusion, desperation, excitement. Maybe he could fix things with John! But, what about Thomas?

“Can you ask him when?” Alexander asked nervously. Thomas nodded, opening up the phone and going into messages. Thomas looked down at Alexander for a moment, before going into his own contact. He suppressed a chuckle when he saw his name was under “Jeffershit (But he’s not really shit)” Thomas changed his name to “MacAndCheeseQueen” before he opened up the one that had been renamed to “Asshole” and begun to type.

 

> **Asshole:**
> 
> Alexander I am so sorry. Please, at least talk to me. We can meet up for coffee or something so it's in public and there're no tricks. Please.
> 
> **CaffieneGremlin:**
> 
> He’d like to know when you want to meet up.
> 
> **Asshole:**
> 
> Wait, who is this?
> 
> **CaffieneGremlin:**
> 
> It’s Thomas. He just told me to ask you for him. Now when?
> 
> **Asshole:**
> 
> Oh. I should have guessed.
> 
> **CaffieneGremlin:**
> 
> What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

 

“What’s he saying?” Alexander asked. It shouldn’t be taking that long to get a time and place.

“Oh. It’s nothing. Don’t worry.” Alexander nodded at Thomas’ words.

 

> **Asshole:**
> 
> Don’t act clueless.
> 
> Just, Tell him to come to my dorm tonight… I don't care when at this point.

 

Thomas set the phone down, and wrapped his arm around him again, his hand resting on Alexander’s hip once again. “He said to head to his dorm whenever tonight,” Thomas spoke bitterly, and he knew it was useless to hide it.

“Alright. Can you come with me when I do?” Thomas looked down at Alexander, who had looked up to him.

“Of course.” He paused for a moment before pecking the immigrant’s head. He felt Alexander lean his head on his shoulder, grinning.

Alexander felt his face heat up, looking back to the movie and resting his head on Thomas’ shoulder in an attempt to hide it. His face got even warmer when he felt Thomas rest his head on top of his own.

Alexander stayed there while they finished the movie, almost falling asleep a few times. When The end credits showed up on the screen, Alexander yawned, not wanting to move. He was so comfy. Alexander whined in protest when Thomas moved to close the computer, hearing a small chuckle from the Virginian.

Thomas pulled Alexander up from the bed. “Come on. We should go over to Laurens’ dorm and get it over with. We have classes tomorrow and I don’t want to be up until midnight making sure you’re okay.” He said the last bit as a half-joke, wrapping his arm around Alexander’s shoulder when he eventually got u, through his protests.

They slipped on some shoes and Alexander threw on a bigger sweater, before leaving their dorm. Thomas noticed how slowly Alexander was walking, stopping him outside the door. “Are you sure you’re ready to talk to him?”

Alexander shook his head slightly. “No, but It’ll be better if I get this over with now, instead of doing this later.”

Thomas nodded and pulled him into a quick hug, before allowing the small man to knock on the door. When it opened, they were greeted by a disheveled John, who seemed to light up seeing Alexander, his expression fading when he noticed Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me on Tumblr! https://anatraart.tumblr.com/


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of angst, tears, and more angst.

When he heard the knock on the door, John jumped up to open it in excitement. Sire, he was nervous. This was his first time being able to talk to Alexander about what had happened.Making sure the bandages on his arms weren’t visible, he opened the door, grinning when he saw his Alexander standing there.  _ No. Not yours anymore. He’s not yours. _

His smile faded when he noticed Thomas standing beside him. “Hey Alex!... Jefferson.” He spat the second name out like it was poison on his tongue.

Alexander rolled his eyes at John’s tone. “You… Said you wanted to talk?”

John nodded. “Yes…” He looked over to Thomas. “Alone.”

Alexander looked to the floor “Oh.” He shifted his gaze to Thomas. “I’ll be okay.” Thomas leaned down to say something to Alexander, John couldn’t make out what, but he decided to ask Alexander later. Alexander nodded, then turned back to him while Thomas walked away.

“What did he say?” John asked curiously.

Alexander paused. “Nothing. Now come on, let’s get this over with.” Alexander proceeded to walk inside and plop on a desk chair, turning to face John’s bed while John closed the door and walked to his own bed, sitting so he has facing Alexander.

They sat in silence for a few moments before John broke it with a single question. “Does he make you happy?”

Alexander stared at him in confusion he had no idea what John meant by that. Who was he talking about?

“Don’t play dumb.” John pulled out his phone, showing Alexander the photo he had taken that morning/ John watched his hace go from confused to angry in moments.

“Where the hell did you get this?” Alexander felt his anger rising as he looked at the photo.

“I came to your dorm to apologize to you this morning. So back to my question. Does he make you happy?” Alexander heard John’s voice begin to shake when he spoke, obviously trying to hide his pain and anger. 

“Wait do you think-” Alexander noticed another look on John’s face while he spoke. Jealousy. “Oh my god! No! It’s nothing like that. But still. Even if we were, it doesn’t matter to you. You made that clear enough when you just… Left.”

John heard Alexander’s voice break. Almost instinctively, he moved to hug Alexander. To do something to make him feel better. But almost as soon as his arm made contact with Alexander, he pushed him away. It broke John’s heart to see Alexander like this. He looked so weak and vulnerable. “Alexander please…”

“No, John. Do you have any idea the kind of pain you put me through? Yeah. Sure. I’ve had Thomas and James, and Lafayette and Hercules ended their vacation early to make sure I was okay. Unlike you, they at least tried. Hell, a month ago you would’ve seen Jefferson and I at each other's throats!  But no. When I needed a friend the most, it sadly wasn’t me best friend I could turn to. It wasn’t my best friend that had my back. It was my goddamn enemy, Laurens.” 

By the time he had ended his spiel, he had stood up and was in John’s face. Alexander knew using John’s last name was ow, but still. John wasn’t too considerate of  how he felt when he just left him at a bar. A damn bar of all places. He looked him in the eye for a moment, before John begun to defend himself.

“Okay. So now I’m just a friend. And thanks for that low blow,  _ Hamilton _ . You know it’s always great when you ask someone to talk so you could make sure they’re okay. That maybe they might not need you as much as you thought. But I don’t even get you texting me. I get your sorry ass fuckbuddy, who, by the way, Hamilton, is probably just using you.”

John realised his mistake as soon as Alexander started crying. But he was right. Despite what he had done to Alexander, he deserved to  _ at least _ be able to talk to him. He kept going. “Then you have the audacity to bring him here? Sure. Great move. I was hoping. Hoping you were either happy or would be willing to get back together, but apparently not. You damn-”

He was cut off by a strike of lightning, which brought Alexander from the crying mess he had already been to the floor. He was shaking at this point. “Shit.” Was all John said before leaning over him. He went to try to comfort him, but Alexander pulled away from him. He went to go  try again, but was stopped when he heard a voice behind him.

“What the hell, Laurens?” He heard Thomas come up and pick Alexander up carefully. Alexander just cried harder, clinging onto him for dear life. James appeared next to Thomas, who carefully handed him over, telling him to bring him to their dorm and he would be there in a minute. With much hesitation, James agreed and left.

“What the hell did you do to him?” Was all Thomas said, looking at John as if he were a demon of some sort.

“It was the lightning I-”

John was cut off by an angry Thomas. “Don’t make up damn excuses. One doesn’t freak out that much over some lightning.”

“I swear I-”

“Do you have any idea, how much you hurt him? I had to miss a few classes, because when i’d leave, he’d either be wasted, crying, or both when I came back. You almost broke him, Laurens. And seem to not care that you did.” and with that, Thomas left John there alone.

»»————- ————-««

Not too long after they started walking, James had set Alexander down. Almost as soon as they got to the dorm, Alexander went over to the couch in curled into a ball, breaking down in tears. James only got him a fluffy blanket and laid it on top of him.  _ God. _ Alexander thought.  _ Of all people, why is it James Madison that’s helping me through a storm? _ He watched James sit down in a vacant chair.

“Why are you helping me?” Alexander asked. “A month ago, you would have just laughed and let me break down.”

James only smiled. “Because. Believe it or not, you mean alot to Thomas, however horrifically he may show it. And he means alot to me. By helping you, I get to see him happy.”

Alexander nodded before sitting up a bit. Not long after Thomas came inside the dorm, almost immediately going over to Alexander to make sure he was okay. Alexander felt his heart flutter when Thomas wrapped his arms around him. Alexander chose to ignore it, only moving closer to Thomas.

A few moments later they heard another crack of lightning, receiving a yelp from Alexander as he begin to cry again. They stayed like that. Thomas holdin Alexander close while he cried, James sitting in a chair nearby incase something happened. When Alexander started to calm down, their dorm room door burst open. Lafayette and Hercules came rushing in, Lafayette almost immediately going to Alexander and pulling him away from Thomas.

“I’m so sorry it took us so long to get over here! We didn’t notice. Are you alright?” The only reply he got from the small Caribbean man was a nod and him snuggling up closer to the frenchman. Herc sat down next to Lafayette and looked at Alexander, who gave a weak smile to his friends. 

“Wait, what do you mean?” Thomas looked over at the three men, confusion written all over his face.

Hercules grinned and Lafayette seemed to mutter something to Alexander, receiving another nod from him.

Lafayette looked to James and Thomas before deciding it was best they knew. “It’s the storm. When he was little, a hurricane destroyed his town. He lost his brother and almost everything he owned in that storm.” A crash of thunder boomed throughout the  room, causing Alexander to break into another fit of sobs and shakes.

Lafayette began slowly running a hand through his hair while he spoke. “He almost died in that storm. They didn’t even find his brother’s body, and he ended up pinned underneath a beam from the ceiling for hours. He was lucky he didn't drown, and they didn't find him for days. When they did, he was sent to another foster home on the island. He begin to write letters to his father, and when his father read them, he begin to show it to people. It’s what made the Washingtons take notice of him.”

Thomas noticed Lafayette pause to look at Alexander, most likely making sure it was okay to continue. When Alexander nodded yet again, Lafayette decided to continue. “It was a shit storm, though. Before the hurricane even hit them, his mother had recently died. Him and his brother had been sent to live with a cousin, who committed suicide only months later. It was one thing after another.”

Another crash of lightning. “When they finally sent him to America to be put in the foster system here, he finally got his chance. Almost Immediately, the Washingtons took their chance and decided to adopt him. All was well from then on… Well mostly. But you know almost everything else since then.”

Thomas nodded and looked at Alexander, softly crying against Lafayette. He knew he had left him in a similar state before, but he had decided to make it up to him. Alexander had gone through so much, and he didn’t deserve all this shit happening.

“So, Alexander, what happened with you and John? He seemed really guilty when I came in…” Thomas asked while he watched Alexander’s breathing begin to calm down.

“Oh… Well…”  Alexander breaks into explanation as to what happened. He still got nervous or begin to sob whenever he’s hear something, but tried to stay focus on his explanation. Near the end, he seemed to hesitate, crying more when he told them all of what had happened.

Alexander had begun to think when he was done speaking. John had hurt him. He knew he was lucky that Thomas and James were there when they were, because he knew if he had nobody to help him right after that, he might have fallen back into his old habits of self harm. He knew it would break everyone’s hearts. And now that he was growing more and more confused about Thomas and John, he knew it would hurt more than Lafayette and Hercules.

He still loved John. He had been there for him when nobody else was. At the same time, however, he was beginning to like Thomas the same way he had liked John. He ran it through his head. John had hurt you. He hurt you badly. And Thomas had helped you! Despite your past disagreements he was just there. No questions asked.

Thomas could have let him tumble and make his way to his bed. He could have let him throw up in the bathroom alone. But he sat there and helped him. He was there when he had needed him the most. And he enjoyed it whenever he would wake up in Thomas’ arms. He was happy. But he knew it would break John’s heart. He still missed him. Deciding the topic would be better to deal with another time, Alexander peels himself away from Lafayette and moved back over to Thomas, who wrapped his arms around Alexander, holding him close.

It took a while to calm Alexander down, but once he stopped crying after every noise outside, James decided to leave to get some sleep. They all had classes the next morning anyways. For the time being, at least, he was going to enjoy having Thomas there with him. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

A while later, after Alexander and Hercules passed out, Lafayette pulls Thomas aside. “Do you care about him, as much as he seems to have grown to care about you?” Was all Lafayette said to him. Oh god. He knew what was coming.

Thomas thought for a moment. Should he say something sweet and heartfelt? No, it was Lafayette. He’s want the quick truth. Without another thought he simply replied, “Yes.”

Lafayette seemed pleased, but kept him there. “Be careful with him. I can’t stress to you enough how fragile he is. He’s so weak.”

“I know, I will. I don’t plan on hurting him-”

Lafayette cut him off. “No… I mean, like, he is extremely fragile I… I can’t really explain it.” 

“What do you mean?” Thomas asked, curiosity getting the better or him.

Without warning, Lafayette walked back over to Alexander, pulling up the sleeve of his sweater, careful not to wake him.

It took Thomas a minute to notice before he saw the white, faded marks on his arm. Thomas covered his mouth in shock, stepping away.

“Take care of him, please. And don’t tell him I told you he used to cut… He’s been doing so good and I was worried when I found out. I thought he might have started again…” It was a rare thing for Lafayette to sound so weak. Thomas watched him carefully pull his sleeve down before turning to look at him.

“I will… I promise.” Was all Thomas said, before carefully picking Alexander up and carrying him over to his bed. He thought for a moment before lying down next to him. He fell asleep quickly that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg guys look! Fluff! Such rare!

Everything was almost perfect over the next few weeks. Alexander was finally happy again, spending his time with his new and updated group of friends. Nobody had spoken to John, unless it was to make a witty remark, since The Incident ™.

Alexander had grown closer to Thomas over these few weeks, and despite all their friends telling them they should just get together already, they had agreed they didn’t want to rush anything, and Alexander had made it clear he wasn’t ready to start another relationship yet. Despite this, they were constantly flirting with each other, and not subtly either.

Everyone noticed the biggest change, however, was Alexander. Everyone noticed the difference. The once dark and prominent bags under his eyes were beginning to fade, he left his dorm more often to join the rest of them, and he seemed all around happier.

Through all this, James had started staying in the other’s dorms as to avoid John as much as possible. Despite Alexander’s happiness, John had begun to sulk around all day, almost never showering. James had sworn the room started smelling like a dumpster.

Even Washington had noticed the difference. Especially in debate, whereas Alexander and Thomas would be at each other's throats with insults, it was much calmer. When they insult each other, it was always something petty, and never in the cutthroat tones used before. 

Lafayette seemed the most pleased at how things were going. He enjoyed seeing Alexander doing so well. He was like a brother to him, and he knew everyone was enjoying it. Thomas had even mentioned he had been having his nightmares less lately, which made the Frenchman happy.

Alexander was finally going to fix this. Sure, he still felt a pang in his chest whenever he thought of John, but he knew it was going to be okay. Sure, he still loved John, Alexander had even said so to Thomas, but he was somehow happier. He knew everyone was enjoying him sleeping more, and he was enjoying it as well. He didn’t need to drink as much coffee and was much more productive.

Everything at the moment just felt  _ right _ .

»»————- ————-««

John watched out the window, where he had a perfect view of Alexander and Thoms eating lunch together under a tree. He felt the warm tears falling down his face but he ignored them. It hurt him so much to see Alexander sitting there, laughing with their- no  _ his _ friends. He saw Thomas had an arm casually placed around him, and Alexander’s happy expression as he leaned into the touch.

_ He _ was supposed to be there with him. It should be  _ him _ out there, making Alexander smile like that. But he had lost that privilege when he broke Alexander’s heart. John knew he should be happy for him- and he was. But he missed Alexander.

He felt himself begin to shake, his sobs becoming louder as he pulled himself from the window to continue crying. He felt so worthless lying there.

John had been thinking about it for a while. He knew everyone would be better off without him.  _ So why don’t you do it? _ He asked himself. No. he still had a shot. He knew they weren’t technically together. He might be able to get Alexander back. Even if it’s just as his friend. 

_ But you ruined that when you raised a hand to hit him. You know what he had been through with people in his past. You lost him for good. _ The thoughts ran through John’s mind while he sobbed, blocking out the world around him.

_ I’ll wait and see _ . Was the last thing that ran through John’s mind before he let the darkness of sleep overtake him once again.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander sat down to eat smiling his ass off. He knew he had no real reason, but he was just extremely happy at the moment. It was a Friday and he was excited for the weekend, sure, but he was really excited to be able to spend some time with Thomas without Lafayette constantly following them. He knew he was just being protective, he had done the same thing when he and John had gotten together. Even though he and Thomas weren’t technically together, everyone always told them they acted like they were.

Alexander felt Thomas sit next to him and snake an arm around his waist, and he leaned into the contact. “What are you so happy about?” He heard Thomas ask, and he looked up to meet his eyes.

“Nothing,” Alexander spoke, his giddiness showing in his voice. He watched Thomas nod and smile at him. Thomas looked like he wanted to speak, but was cut off by Lafayette as him and Hercules walked up to join them.

“Mes amies! Comment allez-vous?” Alexander looked over at his friends, smile still evident on his face.

“I’m doing fine, I dunno why he’s so happy.” Thomas motioned to Alexander with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around his waist.

“Come on! Can’t someone just be in a good mood?” Alexander got defensive, jokingly pulling his hands to his chest as if someone had hurt him. 

Hercules was the one to respond this time, “Alexander, with a normal person, yes, but with you, no there has to be a reason.”

Alexander crossed his arms and pouted, receiving a laugh from everyone there. Alexander bit his lip when he felt someone tickling his side, looking to see it was Thomas. He tried to hold in his want to laugh, but failed, breaking out in laughter after a few moments.

“Thomas stop!” He screeched, laughing.

Alexander shut his eyes until he felt Thomas stop, opening them to see his friends grinning, Lafayette then narrowing his eyes at Thomas and giving him a joking, don’t touch him look. This made everyone else burst into laughter.

Lafayette looked pleased to Alexander at the success of his silent joke.

James joined them not long after, and they started eating, everyone seeming pleased to have Alexander eat more than a few chips or something of the sort.

They spent the rest of the lunch period laughing and messing around with each other before they a had to go to their separate classes, save Alexander and Thomas, who had debate together next.

»»————- ————-««

The rest of the day went without incident. Debate went smoothly, minus the end when Alexander had gotten into a heated argument with Seabury and they had to be separated by Thomas and Washington before punches were thrown.

Later that night, before Alexander and Thomas were about to watch a movie, they got a text from James saying there was a party going on, and they should come. Seeing as there was no reason not to go, they decided to get ready and head over.

When they walked in, they knew almost immediately knew it wasn't going to be a fun party. They found James and chatted with him for a while, upset when the found out there was no alcohol there. 

Alexander felt Thomas lean in close to his ear, feeling his face warm up at the closeness of it all. “You wanna get out of here and go get ice cream?” He felt Thomas’ breath on his neck, making him shiver, despite the innocence of the request.

Alexander nodded and gave him a smile before Thomas grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the dorm and off to Baskin-Robbins. They walked, since it was only a few blocks away, Thomas never letting go of Alexander’s hand.

They walk in a comfortable silence, Alexander leaning his head on Thomas’ shoulder. They walk in and get their ice cream, sitting at a table across from each other.

“We should go ice skating,” Thomas said, breaking the silence.

“What?” Alexander looked at him confused.

“We should go ice skating. It’s getting colder and it would be fun... Like an actual date.” Thomas gave the smaller man a nervous smile.

Thomas watched Alexander’s face turn a bright shade of red, but he nodded anyway. “Okay. Yeah. That would be nice.”

Thomas’ smile widened when Alexander smile.

They spent the rest of their night out laughing and having fun. They eventually made their way back to the dorm, falling onto the couch in a giggling mess. Alexander wrapped his arms around the Virginian’s neck, pulling him into a quick kiss.

Thomas pulled away and smiled, Thomas resting his forehead against the immigrant’s. “We should get to bed. It’s late.”

Alexander nodded and reluctantly broke away, grabbing one of Thomas’ sweatshirts before he went into the bathroom to change. Thomas smiled and quickly got into some pajama pants, laying in bed and scrolling through his social media. Not long after he felt Alexander lay down beside him, and he turned off his phone to look at the smaller man.

After reaching over to set his phone on the nightstand, he wrapped his arm around Alexander once the man had turned off the light. Thomas fell asleep quickly and happily that night, having no dreams.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander awoke to an empty bed the next morning, looking around confused as to where Thomas had gone. When he couldn’t see him, Alexander got out of bed and looked around the dorm, still finding nobody. When Alexander went to call him, Thomas came in holding a bag and two coffees. 

Noticing Alexander was awake, Thomas smiled at him and sat down on the couch next to the Caribbean man. “Sorry. I had hoped you wouldn’t wake up before I got back,”

“It’s alright.” Alexander took one of the coffees and sipped on it, smiling. “Now if you came back without coffee, we’d have an issue.”

Thomas grinned. “Well, then I guess it’s good I came bearing coffee for the caffeine gremlin living here.”

Alexander pretended to look offended but didn’t have much luck, as he broke out in laughter during his attempt.

Grabbing the bag, Thomas pulled out a donut and handed it to Alexander, who took it with a smile, thanking the taller man.

The pair ate in a comfortable silence, Thomas wrapping an arm around Alexander, who rested his head on the Virginian’s shoulder. When they were done they set their trash on the coffee table and stayed like that.

Alexander didn’t notice how much time had passed before there was a knock on the door. He reluctantly moved away from Thomas so he could go open the door. On the other side was James, looking annoyed.

“You guys cool if I stay here for a bit? John keeps whining and it’s getting obnoxious.” James said the name looking at Alexander, hoping he wouldn’t upset him too much.

Much to James’ displeasure, Alexander’s smile faltered, and he bit his lip, before putting another smile on his face. When Thomas opened the door a little more to let his friend in, James plopped in a seat near Alexander, while Thomas went back to what James assumed was his original spot, next to Alexander.

James had found it odd at first, how quickly Alexander had warmed up to Thomas. He had originally assumed he was just a rebound, but when Thomas told him that Alexander had said he wasn’t ready to start another relationship, James eased up a little.

Lafayette, however, had not. But his reasoning was more in him being protective. James gave them a small smile when he saw Thomas wrap an arm around the immigrant protectively. 

They ended up having a Disney marathon, Lafayette and Hercules coming to join them after a while. Alexander smiled as he looked around at his friends and, whatever Thomas was to him. He didn’t know that they were, but he did know that he was happy about whatever it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, I owe you all some fluff before what I have planned in chapter 7 which is going to be really friggin long and it's going to be a roller coaster of feels. Enjoy your pause from the dramatics with this fluff. You're gonna need it.


	6. Six

The first thing Alexander was greeted to when he turned off his phone after Political Science was a text from Thomas.

 

> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> When you get out of class, get ready. We’re going on that date tonight.
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> Oh? I presume I have no choice and you’re taking me no matter what?
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> damn straight
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> Thomas nothing about you is straight.
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> … shush
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> Fine. I’m omw
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> mkay

 

With a small laugh, Alexander slipped his phone back into his pocket and walked to his dorm. When he arrived he unlocked the door and went inside, frowning when he saw Thomas was nowhere in sight. He decided to check the bathroom, still no luck. He decided to text Thomas again.

 

> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> Where are you? I thought you’d be in the dorm
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> Nope. Get ready and meet me in the parking lot.
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> why tho?
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> You’ll see
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> Oh come on tell me
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> nope
> 
> **CaffeineGremlin:**
> 
> fuck you
> 
> **MacAndCheeseQueen:**
> 
> I’ll do that later. Get ready.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes, but couldn’t suppress the light blush that spread across his face. Sure, he was excited but he had no idea what to wear. Without thinking, he began to walk to Lafayette’s dorm, in hopes he could get some help.

He knocked on the door, hearing Lafayette shout “One minute!” Before hearing some rustling around in the room, a few grunts, and a door being shut. After a few minutes of this, the door opened, revealing Lafayette in a t-shirt and basketball shorts.

“What do you need?” The Frenchman asked, plastering a small smile on his face.

“I need help. Thomas and I are going Ice-skating and I have no clue what to wear.” Alexander felt his cheek warm, biting the inside of his cheek.

Lafayette’s smile only widened at this information. Without a word, he grabbed Alexander’s arm, dragging him into the room. “Wait here.” Was all Lafayette said before going to work on Alexander.

»»————- ————-««

Thomas was leaned against his car when he noticed Alexander walking over. Looking up from his phone he froze, eyes widening at what he saw.

Thomas immediately knew who was behind it, as he knew there was only one person Alexander would go to who would do something like this. In front of him was Alexander, wearing jeans that looked tighter than anything the man had ever worn, torn in the knees. On top he wore a green sweater obviously a size too big, going down to mid-thigh on the small man with a purple scarf that matched his eyes.

His face though. It screamed Lafayette. Alexander looked like he had fake lashes on, with winged eyeliner and a light brown on his lids. His hair was tied up in a messy bun with strands falling out to frame his face, which had been shaved clean.

Before Thomas got a chance to comment on the look, Alexander cut him off. “Lafayette.” Was all he said as if it was an answer to any questions. Which it honestly was. Nodding while holding in a small laugh, the Virginian opened the door for Alexander, closing it once he was in the car.

Taking a deep breath, Thomas joined him in the car. After a few minutes of silence, Alexander shifted in his seat so he could pull his feet up underneath him.

When they eventually pulled into the parking lot, the pair got out of the car, Thomas giving Alexander a small smile when the immigrant grabbed onto his hand. They walked into the building to rent their skates.

It took almost 15 minutes, and Alexander relying heavily on Thomas to stand, but they eventually got onto the ice. As soon as Thomas let go of Alexander, the immigrant fell over, his face turning a bright shade of red.

“Oh shut up!” Alexander huffed, crossing his arms.

Thomas smirked. “I never said anything darling.”

“No, but you were thinking something!” And Alexander was right. Maybe not what Alexander thought he was thinking, but damn he looked adorable all flustered.

With a grin, the Virginian held out a hand to help Alexander up, which the small man took gratefully. When he got Alexander back on his feet, Thomas gently tugged on a lock of hair. “Now come on. You’re not gonna learn to move if you keep standing there.”

Alexander blushed when the lock of hair was tugged but grabbed onto Thomas’ hand. “I’ll go, but you’re not letting go of me.”

Thomas gave Alexander a small smile before tugging on his hand so he could move Alexander in a small circle around him.

“Wait- Fuck Thomas no!” Alexander used his other hand to clutch onto Thomas, who was laughing at how much Alexander was freaking out.

“Fine, fine.” Alexander wrapped his arms around Thomas’ neck so he couldn’t spin him like that again.

“Next time you try something like that I’m going to replace your shampoo with hair bleach.” He spoke in an angry tone, although his smile showed he was far from angry. Thomas smiled when Alexander’s face turned red while he wrapped his arms around the immigrant’s waist, pulling him closer.

“I dunno. I might look nice as a blonde.”

“Fuck, Thomas no. You would not. A shade or two, maybe. Not a blonde. God, no.”

“Alright mister, I don’t wash my hair until it’s noticeably greasy in a bun,” Alexander responded with a slap on his shoulder, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough for it to be noticeable. “Fine fine. I’ll stop.”

“Good.” Alexander smiled and looked as if he was debating on doing something. Before Thomas got a chance to ask, he felt Alexander press a kiss to his lips. After the initial shock had worn off, he closed his eyes, running a hand up the smaller man’s back to rest it on the base of his neck. Thomas gently pulled him closer, undoing the bun so he could run a hand through Alexander’s soft and thin hair.

What they weren’t expecting, was a familiar voice shouting “I spent almost 20 minutes on that bun damnit!” Alexander and Thomas jumped away from each other, both of their faces turning a bright shade of pink. Alexander fell back on his ass, but he didn’t seem to care, as he was looking in the direction of the voice.

What he saw was an embarrassed looking Lafayette and an annoyed Hercules who looked like he’d rather be asleep or _not there_. After helping Alexander back up, he led him over to Lafayette, who seemed to know he was guilty. Thomas noted that Alexander had pulled his scarf up to cover his face, probably to hide the blush Thomas had noticed before they made their way over.

“Before you say anything-” Lafayette tried to speak, but was cut off by Alexander.

“No. Laf, I’m fine. I get it, you want to make sure nothing happens to me. Don’t even try making up an excuse. You did the same thing to John.” Thomas noted the small voice crack at the name. “But I’m fine.”

“Alexander. I apologise if I want to make sure you’re safe-”

“It’s not your job, Laf! I’m a damn adult. I don’t need you watching over me 24/7. I’m not the weak and beaten kid I was when we met. I’m not that small and depressed child anymore.” Alexander had pulled down the scarf and leaned closer to Lafayette, looking like he was trying to use his words and voice to seem bigger than he was.

Even Thomas forgot that from time to time. Despite his small size, Alexander made up for it with his large personality.

“I’m sorry, but Alex, you barely take care of yourself. Every time you seem to look like you’re getting better, it turns out to be a coverup for something else. Besides, I trusted John, we all did and look what he turned around and did? I can’t risk losing you again. I can’t be the one to explain to George what happened again.”

At this point, Thomas shared a slightly confused look with Hercules, who seemed just as clueless as he was about that the two were getting on about.

“You talk like you think I’m going to try again! I’ve been clean for almost 2 years Laf. You know I actually put in an effort this time. Yes, I almost fell back into it, but I didn’t! I stopped myself this time.”

Thomas finally caught on as to what they were talking about. He recalled the night when Lafayette had told him and had made him promise to protect Alexander. He decided it was time to input something. “Laf, I’m sorry, but Alexander is right. You really don’t need to be following him around like that. I understand you’re worried but He’s fine.”

Lafayette just looked at Alexander, defeated. “Fine… Whatever. But please be careful Alexander. Please.”

“Will do Laf. Never planned otherwise.” And with that Lafayette and Hercules left, leaving them alone again. Thomas looked at Alexander with a frown. “Can we go home, Thomas?”

Thomas nodded and helped him back into the building, where they took their skates off and slipped their shoes back on before heading back to their dorm.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander was relieved as soon as they stepped back inside. He plopped onto the couch with a huff, wrapping his arms around himself. He felt the couch dip next to his head, and he shifted so his head was in Thomas’ lap.

“Sorry, everything got ruined tonight. I didn’t think Lafayette would try that kind of thing again.” Alexander closed his eyes with a sigh.

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault. It’s not like you knew Laf was going to follow us.” Before he knew it, Alexander felt Thomas shifting him up so his back was against the arm of the couch, his feet resting over the Virginian’s lap.

Alexander gave Thomas a small smile and nod, before pulling Thomas into another kiss, running his fingers into his thick, frizzy hair. Thomas slowly moved Alexander into his lap, Alexander positioning himself so he was straddling the other man.

When Thomas pulled Alexander closer, he smiled into when the immigrant let out a small mewl at the action.

Before they got the chance to progress things any further, there was a ringing noise from Thomas’ phone. Alexander pulled away, a pout on his face when Thomas answered.

“Hello?” The response on the other side was muffled, but he heard the tone of whoever's voice seemed worried. “Wait, James slow down, he’s where?” Alexander gave him a look of confusion when worry spread across the other man’s face. “Okay, okay. We’ll meet you there.”

“Who was that? What happened?” Alexander slid off Thomas’ lap and tilted his head slightly.

“It was James. He said John was in the hospital.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So umm yea have fun with that for a bit. I'm going to be focusing on another project for a bit so comment what you think happened to John!


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance, I love you all.

_ I may not live to see our glory... _

“What happened to him?” Was all Alexander thought he could say without the evident worry slipping through his voice.

Thomas’s reluctance to answer told Alexander whatever it was, it wasn’t good. “James told me he found John in their bathroom… He said he was covered in blood, and there was an empty pill bottle next to him.”

Alexander didn’t notice he was crying until he felt Thomas pull him into a hug. After a few moments he pushed him away. “No no no… It’s all my fault… I… I should have been there for him. I-” He was cut off by Thomas putting his hands on his shoulders, looking to him.

Alexander could see his fear. He could see how hard Thomas was trying to mask it. “Alex, you did nothing wrong. Right now? You need to be there for him. Get your shoes on and we’ll go meet James at the hospital. He said he was calling Laf after, so they’ll probably be there as well.”

With a reluctant nod, Alexander did as he was told, rushing out the door.

»»————- ————-««

When John woke up, the first thing he saw was the bright light above him.  The next was the door bursting open and Alexander running in the room, practically throwing his body over his... hospital bed? Fuck.

It wasn't supposed to go down like this. He wasn't supposed to care, nobody was supposed to find him. John carefully raised a hand to run it through Alexander's hair. He felt himself slipping. He could barely move or do anything, it was all strained.

He felt someone wrap their arms around him, John letting out a small gasp in surprise. Noticing it was Alexander, John tried to comfort him, but failed. He knew he couldn't hold on much longer. He saw the darkness around him, black spots blurring his vision.

Knowing he was running out of time to do something, to say something, John gave the immigrant a small smile. John knew Alexander thought this meant he was going to be okay, and he felt the grip on him loosen. “Jackie please don’t die on me…”

John knew better. The last thing he said was "I love you, Alexander." Before letting the darkness swallow him whole. 

»»————- ————-««

_ But I will gladly join the fight. _

When Alexander heard the flatline of the heart monitor, he broke out into sobs. No. John wasn't supposed to go this way. He was supposed to be happy and old. 

Not long after he heard Lafayette running in, nurses not far behind. Alexander's entire body seemed to go numb. He didn't let go of John, and continued crying into his neck, not wanting to admit what had just happened. Not wanting to face reality.

Alexander wanted nothing more than to open his eyes and see John smiling back, telling him he was going to be alright. He knew it would never happen. He would never hear John's laugh, or see his bright smile.

John was gone.

He didn't notice how much time had passed before he felt Thomas gently pulling him away. Alexander let him. The longer he held John, the colder he seemed to get, and it was only making it worse.

Alexander felt completely numb. He didn't notice when Lafayette pulled him into a hug, or when a nurse handed Thomas a letter. He didn't want to continue crying over John, but fuck if he didn't want to rush back in there and see him sitting there, eyes bright and color in his face.

When people offered him condolences or anything, Alexander only shook them off, wanting nothing more than to crawl inside his bed and wake up from this nightmare.

»»————- ————-««

Thomas stopped mid-sentence when he heard the flatline of the heart monitor in John's room. He had been calming Lafayette down when they heard it, and without thinking they rushed into the room, freezing in the doorway. 

In front of him, was Alexander bawling into John's neck, John limp in his arms. Thomas watched as the doctors unplugged the systems, almost as if they had already known there was nothing they could do. 

He had no idea what to. Lafayette had already broken down in tears, and was curled against Hercules, who he hadn't noticed had joined them in the room. Thomas just watched Alexander while he cried. He felt like shit for doing it, but there wasn't much he could do at this point.

When the nurses eventually tried coaxing Alexander away, Thomas moved in to gently pull him away, watching while Lafayette pulled him into a hug, taking the letter a nurse offered him.

Looking at the letter a nurse had handed Thomas, he noticed it said 'Alexander' in a handwriting he recognised as John's.

Thomas eventually pulled Alexander close and walked him out, deciding it would be best to get him back to the dorm.

»»————- ————-««

_ And when our children tell our story... _

Lafayette was moving the moment he heard the flatline sound from John's room. The Frenchman regret his decision to run in as soon as he entered. Although it wasn't for his own sake.

Of course he wanted to cr because John was laying there, limp in Alexander's arms. But it was also partial to the knowledge of what this would do to Alexander. John was one of their older friends. The two had dated for almost two years. As soon as he felt Hercules wrap his arms around him, Lafayette turned to sob into his boyfriend's chest.

Ignoring Hercules' quiet mumbles that it was going to be okay, they'd make it through, he cried. It had been years since Lafayette had cried. Last time was his parents' funeral.

He eventually felt Hercules pull away, taking the two letters a nurse offered him. Around this time he saw Thomas fently pulling Alexander away from John-- No. John's body, and he went over to pull the small man into a hug.

Lafayette didn't want to let go, but eventually did, and took one last look at John's corpse before following Hercules out of the room. He didn't care where they were going. He just wanted to leave.

»»————- ————-««

When they got back to the dorm, it was almost four in the morning. Thomas helped Alexander get settled in his bed, he could see how much he needed the rest after what had just happened, and went over to the note the nurse had given him. He saw Lafayette and Hercules had received similar ones, and he debated on opening it.

With a glance to Alexander, he opened the envelope, which hadn’t been properly sealed, only tucked in on itself.

Thomas regret opening it when he saw what was inside. There was a letter- no, two letters inside. Looking at them both, he realised one had Alexander’s name, and the other had his.

With a deep breath he opened the one with his name, and begun reading.

 

_ Thomas, _

_ I’m so sorry I had to hurt Alexander like this. I know he’s probably going to sleep for a week, barely eat, and refuse to do anything that involves basic self-care. I know you’re most likely going to be the one dealing with it, because Lafayette and Hercules will probably be barely taking care of themselves.  _

_ I’m glad Alexander cares about you as much as it seems he does. I’m glad he’s happy with you. It’s all I ever wanted for him. Happiness. _

_ The night I had broken up with him was the day I had started a new medication. I didn’t even know what I had done until the next morning. I failed so badly. I hurt Alexander so much. He deserves to be happy. _

_ I’m just weighing him down from it. _

_ Please take care of him. Make sure he stays happy. I didn’t realise what I had until I lost it. Don’t make the mistake of letting it slip through your fingers like I did. He’s an amazing person, and deserves the world. I trust you to give it to him. _

_ ~John _

 

Thomas didn’t notice he had started crying until he noticed the tears on the paper. After carefully folding the sheet and sliding it back in the envelope, he looked to Alexander. He was asleep, and he looked so peaceful after what had just happened.

Even if he hadn’t known John all that well, thinking back to how happy he made Alexander for so long, and how he was always smiling, it was hard to believe they were in their current situation.

Without a second thought, Thomas pulled out his laptop and e-mailed all their teachers that him and Alexander weren’t going to be in classes the next few days due to recent events. He didn’t specify, only telling the full truth to Washington, who he was sure already knew of the situation, and if he hadn’t would fully understand.

Once that was done, Thomas went to his bed, falling into a restless sleep.

»»————- ————-««

_ They’ll tell the story of tonight. _

Alexander awoke in a cold sweat. He was breathing heavily, and as he looked around the room, he slowly remembered the night before. Him and Thomas, James calling them to tell them John was in the hospital. John’s last words before he died in Alexander’s arms.

He thought back to it. John had looked to happy when he closed his eyes. It was like he was waiting for Alexander to get there. He also remembered how cold John had become before Thomas pulled him away from John… No, John’s corpe.

The thought made Alexander break out in tears, He pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed. John was dead. John was dead and it was his fault. What hurt the most, however, was not that the last thing John decided to say was reminding him that he loved Alexander. It was that Alexander never got to respond.

After a few minutes of sobbing, Alexander felt Thomas wrap his arms around him. Without thinking, he turned to cry into Thomas’ chest, not caring how disgusting he probably looked. He had never taken off the makeup from the previous night and he had cried so much.

“I probably look like a mess, huh?” He choked out, giving Thomas a fake smile.

With a small laugh, Thomas responded, “Of course you look like a mess. But you in yourself are a mess so it’s nothing new.”

Alexander’s fake smile turned into a real one when Thomas let out an “Ow!” when he his him on the shoulder.

“Oh, and I hate to ruin the mood, but one of the nurses gave me this.” Alexander watched as Thomas reached for an envelope and handed it to him. He felt himself beginning to cry again when he saw John’s handwriting on the front.

He felt Thomas shift on the bed so he was leaning against the wall, Alexander shifting so he’s sitting in front of him. Alexander leaned back when he felt Thomas wrap his arms around his waist, kissing his shoulder before resting his head on said shoulder.

Alexander opened the letter, letting himself cry while he read.

 

_ Alexander, _

_ I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the anguish in which I know you will feel at me pulling a stunt like this. I’m truly sorry. But I was only holding you down, and we both know that. I really hope you can be happy like you were again. You looked so happy with Thomas, and I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear to see the man I love cuddling with someone else under a tree, or seeing you smiling just by looking at him. _

_ Please don’t blame this on yourself. It’s not your fault. I never realised how much I loved you until I let you go. Even if I didn’t intend to break up with you, I’m almost happy I did. If I hadn't you never would have found Thomas. _

_ And, Alexander please dear god eat. I know you and I know no matter how hard everyone tries, you’re going to stop eating and taking care of yourself. Please.  _

_ Please stick with Laf and Herc. As much as I know Laf is going to forget himself to make sure you’re alright, please listen and make sure he’s alright. He’s already exhausted himself once before to make sure you’re alright. I don’t want that happening again. _

_ I love you, Alexander. I really do. I love you more than life itself, and I want you to be okay. I want you to stay strong and move on from this, because I’m not worth it. I’m not worth all that pain. I can see how much Thomas loves you, and I hope you can see it to. _

_ Forever yours, _

_ Jackie _

 

Alexander was bawling by the time he was done reading the letter. After setting it down he turned in Thomas’ grip so he could bury his face in the other man’s neck, holding onto him tightly as if he’d disappear if he let go.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander eventually fell asleep, and Thomas carefully laid him back down, moving from his grasp. The first thing Thomas knew he needed to do, was get Lafayette there to help make sure Alexander took care of himself. He barely did it the first time, and he knew this was going to be much harder.

Thomas grabbed his phone and pulled up Lafayette’s contact.

 

**MacAndCheeseQueen: Hey, Laf. You doing okay?**

**BaguetteMom: Yes, I’m doing fine. How is Alexander? Has he eaten? Has he tried anything?**

**MacAndCheeseQueen: He’s fine. He’s been asleep, and he was up for a little, but he didn’t leave his bed. He was crying the entire time he was awake.**

**BaguetteMom: Okay. That’s good. Is it alright if I come over?**

**BaguetteMom: Wait why am I asking, fuck that I’m on my way over.**

**MacAndCheeseQueen: Alright.**

 

Thomas sighed and set his phone down, deciding to make some breakfast. It was almost noon, but he assumed everyone had woken up late after the night before.

Lafayette eventually barged in, paying no mind to Thomas as he made his way over to Alexander, who had woken up from the door slamming open.

Wandering out of the kitchen, Thomas watched Lafayette sit on the bed and help Alexander wipe the remnants of the makeup off with a wipe before bringing him into a tight hug. Thomas smiled at the sight before going back into the kitchen to finish the food.

»»————- ————-««

The next time Alexander awoke, it was to the door slamming open, and moments Later seeing Lafayette sitting on his bed with a pack of makeup wipes, as if he knew. Without a word, Alexander let him wipe off the remnants, before pulling him into the hug they both need.

Alexander felt Lafayette begin to shake slightly, and quickly noticed that Lafayette was crying. Lafayette didn’t cry. He’d never seen Lafayette cry. He held onto him tighter and begun murmuring reassurances in French.

When Lafayette pulled away, Alexander noted how puffy and red his eyes were. He looked like he had been up all night as well. “You alright Laf?” he asked, hoping Lafayette would be honest with him.

“I’ll be okay. What matters though, is are you okay?”

Alexander nodded and gave him a small smile. “Not quite, but I know I’ll be alright in time.”

Before they could continue, Thomas walked in with food, and as much as Alexander wanted to crawl back in bed and not eat, he knew he had to eat. Accepting the plate offered to him, he moved over so Thomas could sit next to him. They ate in silence, nobody saying a word to each other.

When why were done Alexander and Lafayette let Thomas take their plates to go wash, and when he got up again Alexander pulled Lafayette into another hug. “You should get Herc over here.”

With a nod, Lafayette pulled out his phone to text Hercules, who was in the dorm, joining them on the bed not long after.

They spent the day either crying, hugging, or both, and at one point Alexander fell asleep with Thomas holding him- which seemed to be one of the only things that calmed him down when he would start to freak out again.

When it got late, Lafayette and Hercules left to their own dorm, Lafayette refusing to leave until Alexander was asleep again. When they eventually did leave, Thomas laid down in his own bed. As he was about to fall asleep he felt someone crawling in next to him mumbling “I don’t wanna be alone.”

Deciding it best not to ask questions, Thomas let him crawl in beside him, and he wrapped his arms around Alexander protectively. They fell asleep peacefully like that.

_ Tomorrow there’ll be more of us. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan to put this here, but I felt the need to anyway. Suicide is never the answer. No matter what you're going through, there is always a reason to go on. It may seem like it at the moment but I promise you, it will get better. Maybe not now. Maybe not for years. But it WILL get better. I promise you.


	8. It's Quiet Uptown Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally decide that my characters deserve to take a damned break from angst. So Here's going to be a cute little 2-3 part thing where everyone is happy. I also realised way too late that I never established any relationships so we're going to go along with Alexander and Thomas got together in the first time skip in this chapter.

_ There are moments that the words don’t reach, there is suffering too terrible to name. _

Alexander was relieved when he found out they were going to Virginia for a week. They had already been dismissed from school by Washington, who had insisted they needed to take a break after John’s death.

The night before they left, Alexander and Thomas got their bags together. It was originally just going to be him, Lafayette and Hercules going, but Alexander had refused to leave Thomas’ side since the incident, and James was coming to help out like he had been for the past week.

The most surprising thing over the past week was the depression Lafayette has seemingly fallen into. Unlike Alexander, who was doing his best to stay happy. It shocked everyone, and George had admitted that the whole Virginia trip was in hopes to help Lafayette.

When the alarm went off at 4 am so they got in at a decent time, Alexander rolled off the bed, groaning when he his the floor. 

“Why-” Thomas started but seemed to think better of it. “Nevermind. I feel like I don’t wanna know.” 

With a small laugh, Alexander got up and went into the bathroom, returning a few minutes later with his hair in a messy bun and one of Thomas’ sweaters on. 

“Who said you could wear my sweater?” Thomas teased.

“It’s four in the morning, I’m cold, and It’s warm,” Alexander spoke with a small nip in his voice, as if he wanted to sound like a smartass, but was too tired to do so.

Thomas chuckled and smiled, deciding to let it slide. They gathered the last of their stuff and head out to Thomas’ car. When they got inside, the first thing Alexander said was, “We’re getting coffee before we get on the freeway.”

“Alex, you know you can sleep right?”

“The coffee is because I had to wake up at 4 am. With the amount of caffeine I consume do you really think a cup of coffee is going to do anything?”

Thomas laughed at that. It was true. He had even seen the man put 5-hour energy in his coffee and still be asleep an hour later. With a small nod, he drove them to the nearest Starbucks, got them both coffees, and started driving to Washington’s’ house in Virginia.

»»————- ————-««

_ You hold your child as tight as you can, and push away the unimaginable. _

When his alarm went off, Lafayette groaned and turned back to the wall, ignoring it in the hopes Hercules would turn it off. When it only got louder, he turned around to see Hercules, holding the phone closer to his head. Lafayette snatched the phone to turn off the alarm before turning back to his wall. 

“Nope.” Was all he heard before feeling Hercules pick him up. “Come on, Laf. You can sleep in the car.”

“Why do I even have to go? It’s not like there’s a reason to go. We all have school.” Lafayette complained, crossing his arms and trying to squirm out of his boyfriend’s arms.

“Laf… I know it’s been hard on all of us, but what’s really bothering you? It’s so unlike you to be like this… If it were Alex I’d understand, but it’s you…”

“Herc, it was John. When he needed us the most we all turned him away. If we had been there for him… If we hadn’t started ignoring him… Herc it’s our fault he’s gone!” Lafayette had tears in his eyes as he went on. “If we had been there for him, he would still be here. John wouldn’t have killed himself, he wouldn’t have been depressed. He may have fucked up, but he was still our friend!” Lafayette was sobbing by this point. 

Hercules pressed a kiss to his forehead, holding him closer. “I know, Laf. But It’s too late. There’s nothing we can do but move on..”

Lafayette nuzzled his head into Hercules’ neck while he sobbed, shakes racking through his body. “John didn't deserve to go like that… Alexander was just holding him… He looked too peaceful… He looked too calm for our John…”

“I know Laf, I know. He didn’t deserve to go so young, but like I said, there’s nothing we can do now.” Hercules paused for a few moments. “Now come on, let’s get ready and head off. We all need this break.”

»»————- ————-««

_ The moments when you’re in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down. _

By the time Alexander and Thomas were pulling in the driveway, it was nearing sunset. Sliding out of the car, Thomas watched as Alexander stared at the house as if he was remembering something. Thomas walked over and wrapped his arms around him. “You alright?”

Alexander nodded. “Yea, I just remember when I first came here… John was staying, and it just reminded me of when we met, ya know? The first night I was here, Laf and John kept whispering to each other.” Thomas smiled when Alexander laughed. “I didn’t realise he was hitting on me the entire time we were here those first few weeks. Laf had this whole joke about how clueless I was.”

Thomas notices Alexander’s eyes were glossy, despite the smile on his face. Deciding it would be best to get him inside, he pulled away from him to grab their bags, Alexander walking up to the house, unlocking it when he found they were the first ones there. 

Alexander went straight to his room, Thomas not far behind. Thomas set their things down and closed the door, already hearing sniffles. As soon as he turned back to Alexander, he felt the small man wrapping his arms around him, seeming to decide it was safe.

Thomas pulled Alexander close as he lead them over to the bed, sitting down on it while he hugged Alexander. They stayed like that until Alexander pulled away, wiping his face with the sleeve of the sweater.

“S-sorry… Being here just reminds me so much of John…” Alexander sat down next to him, and he wrapped his arms around the smaller man.

“It’s okay. It’s alright. With everything that happened, and how well you’ve been doing you have no reason to apologise. You’re just fine Alex.” With that, Alexander nodded and looked up at him. “But I am curious. How soundproof are these walls?”

Thomas grinned when a blush arose in Alexander’s cheeks. “I dunno. Would you like to find out?”

“I suppose,” and like that, Alexander’s lips were on his.

»»————- ————-««

_ The Hamiltons move uptown, and learn to live with the unimaginable. _

Lafayette was still half-asleep when they pulled in behind Thomas’ car. When he felt the car stop, he sat up. It was just after sundown, and they had received a call from George an hour ago saying they wouldn’t be there until tomorrow, as some work stuff came up.

He also mentioned he couldn’t get ahold of Alexander or Thomas. Hercules had snickered at that. “I wonder why.” he had said, ignoring the gasp from George.

Lafayette let Hercules grab their bags, while he walked to the door. He smiled a little when he heard one of the showers on. It confirmed what he had suspected earlier. When Hercules entered not long after, he grinned as well. They made their way to his room, closing the door behind them before breaking out in a fit of laughter. 

Sure, it was childish, but it was funny all the same.

Not long after, they heard a knock at the door. Lafayette got up to go get it, almost breaking out in another fit of laughter when he notices the hickeys forming on Alexander’s neck. “Yes?” He asked,

“We were thinking about going to get some dinner since George and Martha haven’t gotten here yet.” So George wasn’t lying when he said he couldn’t get ahold of them.

“George and Martha will be coming tomorrow. Some things came up with his work.” Lafayette looked back to Hercules, who was still smiling, most likely remembering their earlier conversation.

“Alright. Well still. I’m starving, and James just texted me he’s staying with his parents tonight.” Lafayette nodded. 

“Mkay. Well, we’ll get ready and meet you two downstairs in 5?”

“Okay.” Thomas turned and walked off, taking a smiling Alexander with him.

»»————- ————-««

_ It’s quiet uptown, I never liked the quiet before. _

It turns out, Alexander hates Thomas more than he thought.

He didn’t notice the hickeys covering his collarbone and neck until Lafayette had put a scarf on him when they left. Alexander thought in the car over to the nearest Olive Garden how he was going to get payback.

He ignored it through the car ride, but when he eventually decided what would be the funniest to watch, it was worth every second. While they were walking in, Alexander had whispered “I might just have to find a way to get you back during dinner,” and had gently nipped on his ear before pulling away.

When Thomas spent the entire dinner looking nervous and worried, and Alexander feeding into it by occasionally leaning in to peck his lips or neck. Lafayette raised an eyebrow at Alexander’s actions, and he was glad nobody questioned it.

When they eventually made their way back to the car, he smiled when Thomas looked like he was about to freak out. “Did you seriously do that to fuck with me the entire time?” he asked.

Alexander tilted his head to the side and gave him the most innocent look he could. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, dear.”

Thomas ended up ignoring him the entire ride, grasping his wrist almost tight enough to bruise when they got to the house. Alexander let him, doing his best to maintain the whole innocence facade he was putting on.

When they got to the bedroom, Thomas locked the door with his free hand before pinning Alexander against said door. Alexander only tilted his head and said, “I didn’t do anything.” In the sweetest tone he could hold steady without breaking out in laughter.

He knew Thomas was annoyed with the whole thing. Alexander had been teasing him for over an hour and continued to feign innocence. Alexander let out a small whimper when he felt Thomas press a finger down on one of the more prominent hickeys. “Are you going to drop the shit?”

All Alexander could do was nod. It hurt, sure as hell, but at the same time, he liked the pain. He was almost relieved when Thomas removed his finger. It didn't last long. Right after he felt him lean down to lick the hickey, causing a shiver to run down Alexander’s spine.

“Good girl. Now, nobody was home earlier, so I guess the little test was futile. Would you like to try our little theory about soundproof walls again?” Alexander nodded again, feeling Thomas smirk against his neck.

»»————- ————-««

_ Jackie you would like it uptown, it’s quiet uptown. _

Lafayette turned the volume up once again in a fatal attempt to drown out Alexander, who seemed to not care that there were other people in the house. He was starting to feel bad for people with dorms next to theirs.

Even Hercules, who was usually one to crack jokes about this kind of situation, seemed annoyed. Lafayette was downright disgusted. Alexander was practically his brother, and he wanted to throw up at the kind of sounds he was hearing. 

Sure, he was happy for him. He just didn’t want to hear that kind of thing. Oh god, he was glad George wasn’t there. This whole thing would be so much worse.

Lafayette decided to try his best to focus on the movie, curling into Hercules’ side. “I mean at least Alex has been better lately,” he said, in a failed attempt to lighten the mood.

“Yes, but does he have to be so loud?” Hercules said, looking like he was about to put in earbuds. Alexander chose that moment to be particularly loud.

“True, but he’s happy! It’s good after everything that’s happened.” Lafayette decided to get up, taking Hercules’ wrist. “Come on, let’s head over to the gardens. I’m sure they’ll be much quieter.” With a nod, Hercules got up and followed Lafayette out into the night.

»»————- ————-««

_ You knock me out, I fall apart. Can you imagine? _

The first thing Alexander noticed when he woke up the next morning was he had just heard the front door closing. The second thing he noticed was Thomas’ arms wrapped tightly around him. He smiled and turned around so he could face him. “Tommy. Wake up.”

He received a grumble of protest, and Thomas pulling him closer. Alexander poked his cheek. “Tommy I just heard the door close, I think Martha and George are here.” At that, Thomas shot up. Alexander laughed and got out of the bed, grabbing his things and heading into the bathroom to get ready.

When Alexander eventually emerged, Thomas was nowhere to be seen. Alexander walked out of the room, his wet mop of hair hanging around his head. The first place he checked was the living room, which ended with nothing, but he heard people talking in the kitchen, so he made his way over.

When he walked in, he smiled and went over to hug George and Martha, glad he had grabbed a turtleneck. He hoped they didn’t notice the faint marks on his jawline, biting his lip the entire time.

“So what exactly are we going to do for the next week?” He asked while he poured himself some coffee.

“I was actually thinking of sending you all off to a nearby mall. Try to get Laf’s mind off everything.” Alexander choked on his coffee, Thomas snickered.

“I’m sure Herc already has that one covered, dad.” Alexander broke out into laughter when Martha’s face paled, and George choked on his drink.

“Alexander, dear god you’re as bad as Gil…” Alexander smiled while he watched George pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I mean, we did live together for four and a half years.” George shook his head again. 

“You two are insufferable.”

Thomas was the first to reply. “I’d like to second that.” He was also the first to be hit that morning.

“Thomas!” he slapped his shoulder again.

“What was the second one for?”

“Laf. Although he would have slapped you.”

“Makes sense.” Alexander smiled and sipped his coffee.

“Then I guess it’s settled. I call dibs on not being the one to wake them up.” 

Alexander decided it was a safe time to leave the room since he really didn't want to be the one dealing with it. Sure, he had come to their dorm many times and heard it, but nope. He didn't have to, he didn’t want to.

»»————- ————-««

_ If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life for mine, he’d be standing here right now. And that would be enough. _

In the end, Lafayette was the one to wake them up. Before anyone got a chance to go wake the two up, Lafayette came into the kitchen, immediately going for the bottle of Excedrin on the counter.

“You alright Gil?” George asked. Thomas looked to Lafayette with concern.

“Mhm. Herc thought it would be fun to get wasted last night after dinner.” Thomas laughed at that.

“Not the only thing you two did last night.” George looked to Thomas with a scowl, but Laf just laughed.

“You’re one to talk.” Lafayette popped the pills, swallowing them down with a sip of coffee. Thomas rolled his eyes and left the room, deciding to go find Alexander.

Alexander ended up being out back, curled up in a chair with a blanket wrapped around him while he sipped his coffee. He didn’t seem to be doing anything than looking at the view. Thomas almost didn’t want to go up to him. Almost.

He walked up and wrapped his arms around Alexander from behind, who smiled and leaned up to peck his lips. Thomas gave him a small smile. They stayed there like that for a few, just enjoying each other’s company. Thomas eventually pulled a chair up to sit next to Alexander, who ended up leaning on him, head on the Virginian’s shoulder.

Thomas was surprised at how domestic and simple it was. They were usually always going. It was nice to stop and just relax for once. Thomas wrapped his arm around Alexander and pulled him as close as he could, considering they were in separate chairs. 

“You alright?” Thomas asked when he noticed Alexander had been silently crying.

“Mhm. Oh, god. Being here reminds me of John so fucking much.” Alexander turns to Thomas and smiles, tears still falling down his face. “There was this one time he convinced Laf and I to go swimming with him in the lake.” Thomas reached up and wiped Alexander’s now flowing tears with his thumb, letting his hand linger on his face.

Alexander leaned into the touch. “We didn’t think about the weather, and we accidentally locked ourselves out of the house. We just sat out front, waiting for George to get home so we could go inside.” By the time Alexander was done talking, he had closed his eyes, letting the tears fall down his face.

Thomas moved his hand away, using it to help him pull Alexander into his lap, who let out an  _ oof  _ at the action. Alexander had opened his eyes and was looking at Thomas with a mix of happiness and something that looked like a longing for something he would never have again.

After giving him a small smile, Thomas pulled Alexander into a gentle kiss. What he had intended to be something quick and sweet, quickly turned into more. Thomas felt Alexander run a hand through his hair. Normally, he would have gotten upset, but it was just Alexander. Nobody else was there to care about his appearance, excluding the little bit of broken family that was there.

Thomas ran a hand into Alexander’s hair, taking a chunk of it into his fist and gently pulled, earning a small moan from the immigrant. Thomas was about to slip his tongue into Alexander’s mouth when the smaller man pulled away, looking to the door with a mortified look on his face. 

Not wanting to see what he was looking at, or more precisely who, Thomas bit his lip and hoped for the best. When he turned around, George was standing there wearing a similar expression to Alexander’s. 

They stayed like that, Alexander and Thomas nervously staring at George, and the latter flicking his eyes back and forth between the other two. George was the first to say something, and even then it was barely anything. 

“I'm too old for this shit.” Was all he said before turning around and walking inside, pausing in the doorway. “Also, Gilbert and Hercules wanted me to tell you two to be ready by noon,” and with that, he left them alone. 

Almost as soon as the door was closed, Alexander broke out in a fit of laughter. Thomas smiled at him, giving Alexander a quick peck on his cheek. “Come on get up, we're going to need a hell of a lot of brain bleach.”

»»————- ————-««

_ I don’t pretend to know, the challenges we’re facing. I know there’s no replacing what we’ve lost, and you need time. _

Alexander got into the car, adjusting his scarf. He heard Thomas chuckle, giving him a dirty look. “It’s your fault I’m stuck wearing a scarf in the first place. Luckily it’s winter and nobody’s going to question it.”

“You could have told me to stop, although I recall you doing the opposite.” Thomas chirped, grinning from ear to ear.

Alexander hit his shoulder gently. “Shush!” Thomas hummed in response, following Lafayette’s car to the mall. “Oh, and what happened to James?”

“Oh. He said he’d meet us at the mall for lunch.” Alexander nodded and leaned his head on Thomas’ shoulder.

“Alright.”

They drove in silence the rest of the way.


	9. It's Quiet Uptown Part 2

_ But I’m not afraid. I know who I married. Just let me stay here by your side. That would be enough. _

Lafayette got out of the car in a huff, slamming the door shut. He was in a particularly bad mood after the previous night’s events, and didn't want a repeat. He followed Hercules over to the restaurant that had agreed to meet at, waiting outside the entrance. 

Not long after, Alexander and Thomas walked up to them, Alexander smiling and Thomas with an arm casually thrown around his shoulder. Lafayette almost laughed at their height difference. Alexander at 5’11” and Thomas at 6’2”. They decided to wait for James, Thomas letting go of Alexander to go give his friend a hug when James walked over.

When Thomas walked off, Lafayette watched Hamilton come up close to his side, smiling up at him. “You doing alright mon petit lion?”

Alexander nodded. “Yea. It’s kinda odd being here with everyone but John, but it’s alright.”

Lafayette smiled a little, hoping it covered how much he wanted to cry. “That is true. Do you remember when you first came here? On that first day when we went to this mall, since you literally had 2 pairs of clothing. It was so funny to see you freak out over everything, and the entire time you refused to go very far from John.”

Lafayette noted Alexander allowed a tear to fall. “Yea. I was terrified. Do you remember when he pulled me out of the room that morning?”

Before Lafayette got a chance to respond, Thomas came up behind Alexander, wrapping his arms around the smaller figure. Alexander immediately lightened up, smiling and seeming to forget crying only moments ago. As much as Lafayette wanted to mother hen over Alexander, he knew he would be fine.

He knew Alexander was happy.

»»————- ————-««

_ Do you like it uptown it’s quiet uptown. _

Alexander couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. He ended up just walking around absentmindedly with Thomas, who seemed more than content to follow him around. James, who had decided to tag along as well didn’t seem as pleased.

Alexander’s favorite part of the day was when they had made their way into a Spencer’s. It had started with there being a sale on shot glasses, and ended with him doubled over in laughter and James looking like he wanted to throw something at Alexander and Thomas.

They only decided to leave, when James  _ had _ thrown something at Alexander, who kept bringing up what had happened in the Spencer’s. That something had been a peanut butter chocolate milkshake.

Despite the blissful fun of it all, it was all thrown out the window that night when Alexander and Lafayette were alone again. Alexander had noted that Hercules and Thomas seemed to be making sure one of them was with the two of them at all times.

“So what was it you were saying earlier Alexander?” Lafayette sat on one end of the couch, underneath a fluffy blanket and holding a mug of tea. His back was to the arm of the chair, and he leaned against the back.

Alexander was in a similar position, but on the other end of the couch and with a mug of coffee in place of Lafayette’s tea. “Oh. About that day we went to the mall?” Lafayette nodded in response. “Oh… It was…” Alexander closed his eyes and took a breath before continuing. “He had looked at some of my paperwork. Unlike you, Martha, and George who didn’t pay much mind to my medication, he recognised the two antidepressants I took.

“When I came down that morning insisting I was fine in a sweater despite the weather, he got kinda suspicious. Said he wanted to make sure I was alright, and that I was safe. I kinda denied it, and he…” Alexander stopped to calm himself before he cried again. He refused to cry like this when Lafayette needed him to be strong. “I ended up showing him. I remember him saying he knew how it feels…”

Lafayette looked at him for a moment, as if waiting for Alexander to continue. When he didn’t Lafayette plucked his mug from his hands and set the mugs on the coffee table before pulling him into a hug. Alexander clung onto him tightly, trying to even his breaths. He couldn’t be weak right now, Lafayette needed him.

“It’s alright mon petit lion. It’s okay.” Alexander hears Lafayette sniffling and rubs his back.

“I just felt you should know. I'm gonna head to bed now though. I’m exhausted.” Alexander strained a smile, pulling away from Lafayette and scurrying upstairs. Alexander practically ran once he was out of earshot from Lafayette, breaking down into tears as soon as the door was closed.

Alexander leaned on the door, letting the tears pour. He knew it was his fault. He had known John had issues, he should have seen the warning signs. His train of thought was cut off when he felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around him, gently picking him up. The immigrant leaned into Thomas, letting himself be carried over to the bed. Alexander was thankful when Thomas said nothing and just held him close. 

It was so nice. So nice to have someone who wasn’t going to just tell him it’s going to be okay. Someone who wouldn’t judge him. “It’s my f-fault. I s-should have known…” he sputtered between sobs. “Thomas it’s all m-my fault.”

“Shhh. What did you do love?” Alexander just wanted this to all be over. He wanted John to be alive, for everyone to be happy again. He should have paid more attention to how John was acting. He should have known John might try to kill himself…

“Lexi, it’s not your fault John is dead. Nobody could have known.” Fuck. he had said that out loud.

“I-I know, but I should have seen the signs, and now being on this end of everything, everything I must have put everyone through whenever I’d attempt… And imagining how they'd feel if I succeeded. Like, I wouldn’t be here now. John would be okay… I don’t know…”

“You know what? It’s only 9pm. Get ready. I’ll text James. You and Laf are two gigantic messes. We’re going to a damn bar.” Thomas got up and pulled out his phone, presumably texting James.

“But I don't wanna go.” Alexander flopped unceremoniously on the mattress. He closed his eyes, but before he could put up much of a fight he was being picked up and thrown back onto the bed.

“Come on. We all need a pick me up.” With a groan, Alexander sat up, putting his hair up into a messy bun before going to get ready.

»»————- ————-««

_ There are moments that the words don’t reach. There’s a grace too powerful to name. _

An hour later, Alexander was sitting in a booth in a far corner of the bar they had went to, sipping on his beer while lafayette drank some wine. He didn’t care to be there, but he had to admit it was better than being cooped up in the house. When James walked inside, he almost immediately went over to Lafayette and him.

“I’d assume neither of you got much of a choice in coming?” James said as he slid into the booth besides Lafayette. They both shook their heads.

“I was literally dragged here. Like, no joke.” Alexander rolled his eyes and looked around. It was a nice enough spot. There was a group of people dancing by one of the speakers, and it was quite packed for a Sunday night.

Lafayette gave him a weak smile. “You should go have some fun. I’ll chill here with James.” Alexander thought for a moment. Should he? But seeing James give him a small nod, he got up and decided to go look for Thomas and Hercules, getting a rum and coke while ‘looking’.

Alexander ended up watching the two chat from a distance, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. He smiled seeing how genuinely happy Thomas looked. Alexander thanked every god out there that Hercules seemed to like the Virginian.

An arm being wrapped around his neck snapped him out of his thoughts. “You know, someone like you shouldn’t be all alone here.” Alexander jumped a little, taking a step away from the man, who only moved closer.

“For one, I’m not alone. And secondly, my boyfriend is right over there.” Alexander pointed to Thomas and Hercules, who were taking shots and were most likely wasted by that point. He took a sip of his drink, thinking it tasted kinda funny but decided to ignore it. 

“Ahh. But he left you alone.” The guy pulled Alexander to his chest, and when Alexander Tried squirming away he noticed it was difficult to move, and he felt extremely sluggish. “No, dear. Struggling won’t do you much good.”

Alexander wanted to scream, but he could only whimper and shut his eyes while the guy ran his hands along Alexander’s body. No. This couldn’t be happening. Not here. Not now. Alexander continued to whimper, confused when he had a muffled voice talking to him and the hands stop. The voice was so similar though. He couldn't recognise who it belonged to, and felt too tired to open his eyes. Maybe the voice would help him.

The next thing he knew he was being picked up and carried off. Whoever was holding him seemed to be worried, and after a bit he heard a=more voices. Two of them seemed really familiar and one of them had this really deep southern drawl. He wasn’t able to understand what they were saying, and struggled to comprehend what it was being said and who was saying it.

The person holding him passed him off to someone else, and the arms he was in now felt comfortable and extremely familiar. The immigrant struggled to open his eyes, only slightly succeeding. The person now holding him looked almost too familiar, but he couldn’t put a finger on who it was. Oh well. Whoever it was smelt nice, and in the moments of feeling safe, Alexander let himself slip out of consciousness.

»»————- ————-««

_ We push away what we can never understand. _

The first thing James thought when he saw some random guy running his hands over Alexander was why would he do something like that to Thomas. The next thought was would he willingly do something like that. Lafayette seemed to notice he was distressed about something because he gave him a worrying look.

“You alright mon ami?” Lafayette asked taking a sip of his wine.

“I’m just curious, would it be out of his personality if Alexander was leaning on a guy, not pushing him off, while Thomas is literally across the room?” James looked to Lafayette, hoping this wasn't like him. He knew it would probably break Thomas’ heart.

“Very. He’s not even the type of person to do one night stands. Why do you ask?”

James pointed to where Alexander was. He was starting to look more and more out of it, and the guy had set his drink down. “Because I want to know if he’d do something like that.” Lafayette’s immediate look of concern told him something was off.

Without a second thought, him and Lafayette were moving over to them, Lafayette getting the man’s attention and already going off on him while James gently pulled him away. Alexander stumbled and felt like dead weight, so James picked him up bridal style. 

“Laf, how much has he had to drink tonight?” James asked. He didn’t seem drunk, just off, and the poor guy looked like he was about to fall asleep.

“Not enough to be that drunk. Go hand him off to Thomas. Have him bring him back to the house. I’ll go get the car started so they can just leave. Poor Alexander looks like he’s going to be sick tomorrow.” James nodded and looked around, quickly spotting Thomas and Hercules laughing and doing shots.

As soon as Thomas saw Alexander, basically asleep he was on him, despite the fact he was clearly drunk. “What happened? Is he okay?”

James nodded. “He’s fine I think. There was this weird guy, he probably tried roofieing him.” Thomas seemed to grow more worried, but gently took Alexander, looking like he was struggling to carry him, but with how close he was holding the small man James decided to just keep an eye on them while they walk out.

He shot Lafayette a quick text letting him know they’re on their way to him, telling him to drive the two back and assuring him he’s get Hercules. An hour later he was asleep in a guest room, agreeing to stay with them to help Lafayette deal with everyone in the morning.

»»————- ————-««

We push away the unimaginable.

Alexander awoke the next morning with a massive headache. He let out a loud groan, opening his eyes to look at Thomas, who was looking at him with concern. “What in all hell happened last night.” 

“How are you feeling?” Thomas was looking at him like he was going to break.

“Shit. I’m fine though, just a shitty hangover.”Alexander wanted to close his eyes and go back to sleep.

“How much do you remember from last night? Because there’s no way it’s just some hangover. Not only is it almost noon, but you don’t generally get handed to me in a bar because someone drugged you.” Alexander shot up at that, though regretted it immediately.

“Wait what? What happened I didn’t….” he trailed off, hoping Thomas would understand.

“Huh? Oh no, nothing happened. James and Lafayette noticed before anything happened. But you were so messed up last night.” Alexander nodded, regretting that as well. “Lay back down, I’ll go get you some excedrin.” He complied, pulling the blanket over himself more.

A few minutes later, Thomas returned and handed him the pills and a glass of water. Alexander took them and set the cup down, falling back asleep not long after.

The next time he awoke there was no longer sun shining through the curtains. He sat up warily, standing when his head didn’t hurt him as much as it had earlier. Alexander slipped a sweater and some sweatpant on before making his way downstairs, smiling when he saw everyone relaxing in the living room.

Before anyone could say anything, he walked over and sat half in Thomas’ lap, cuddling into him. Nobody seemed to pay him much mind, and they went back to their conversation, smiling when he felt a familiar hand in his hair, gently running through the slightly tangled locks.

It almost felt like everything in his life was calming down, excluding what happened the previous night.


	10. Take a Break

Alexander awoke the next morning with a vague memory of being carried to bed and someone, most likely Thomas, laying down with him. When Alexander opened his eyes he then noticed nobody was in the bed with him now. 

He sat up, relieved his head didn’t hurt it. With a quick glance at his phone, he saw it was only seven in the morning. The small immigrant slipped out of bed, walking over to the bathroom to knock on the door. “Thomas? You in there?” When he received no response he opened the door, surprised to see anybody in there.

The next place he checked was the kitchen, with no such luck. From there he checked the back porch, relaxing when he saw Thomas sitting in one of the chairs on the phone with someone.

“Yes, mom. I’ll see if he wants to.” a pause. “I know dad’s going to flip but he’s the one that suggested it.” another pause. “Alright. I’ll text you to let you-” Alexander watched Thomas’ eyes fall on him while he trailed off. “Actually, give me a minute.” He watched while Thomas muted the phone and set it down, standing to move over to Alexander.

“Who was that?” Alexander leaned into it when Thomas wrapped his arms around the smaller male.

“My mother. Apparently, James mentioned me being here with someone to his family, and they rat me out to my father, who now is telling me to bring you over for the rest of our time here.” Alexander nodded.

“You mentioned your dad freaking out though.”

“James never said it was a guy I was with… They assumed you were a girl.” Alexander gave him a small smile, hoping it would help calm the worry that was evident in the Virginian’s eyes.

“So? It shouldn’t matter. Besides, from what I remember of him he’d probably end up more pissed over the shit I say.” Alexander’s smile widened when Thomas let out a small chuckle. 

“I mean you’re not wrong. He was pissed when a tiny immigrant was able to hold his ground against him.” Alexander pecked Thomas’ lips.

“If you wanna see you’re family I’m down to go. I’d need to let George and Martha, but it might be good for you to see your family.”

Thomas nodded. “Okay.” a pause. “Okay.”

»»————- ————-««

That night Alexander and Thomas were pulling up Monticello’s driveway. Before they got out of the car, Alexander pulled Thomas into a quick kiss. “Don’t worry, okay? Everything is going to be okay.”

Thomas nodded and got out of the car, Alexander following. The immigrant watched as an older looking woman strode out of the house and over to Thomas, pulling the much taller man into a hug. “Thomas! You made it!” She pulled away and turned to Alexander, grinning. “You also didn’t mention it was one of Martha’s boys!” Thomas gave a nervous laugh, and Alexander gave him a worrying look.

Alexander walked over and grabbed his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. He noticed the front door open and when he turned, recognised the two girls running out as Lucy and Mary, both of whom ran over and attacked Thomas with hugs. He let go of his boyfriend’s hand and stepped back, looking over to the now wide open door, where two men now stood. One of them he knew to be Thomas’ father. The other he assumed to be his older brother, Randolph he believed.

Peter, his father, have Alexander a look of surprise, then disgust. Alexander assumed he recognised him, and it made him smile. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if Peter already knew Alexander’s willingness to fight back. Randolph seemed to stare at him, giving him a look that seemed to read ‘what kind of thing did you do to infect my brother’. The thought made him smile. He knew just how homophobic Thomas’ father was from when he had seen him interact with John.

Taking a breath he focused his attention back to Thomas, Lucy, and Mary. Thomas was smiling, although he saw he wasn’t really paying too much attention to his sisters. Alexander knew he was watching Peter. Alexander knew Peter was watching them closely, and it took all his energy not to walk over there and kiss his boyfriend, just to piss his father off. Peeling his eyes off Peter Alexander settled for moving back over to Thomas, leaning into his side.

He had half expected Thomas to distance himself, but relaxed when he felt Thomas’ arm wrap around him.

“So Alexander, how have you been! We haven’t seen you in years.” Lucy asked, giving them a smile.

“I’ve been alright. Something happened with…” Alexander bit the inside of his lip, taking a breath. “Something happened with John recently, but it's been getting better.”

Mary’s smile faltered. “What happened with John? Last time we saw him he was doing just fine. It wasn’t long after you two got together as well.”

Alexander felt the burning of tears threatening to fall, biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt to hold them back. When Thomas spoke up, Alexander almost sighed in relief. “I’ll tell you later.” Mary nodded and Alexander took a calming breath, thankful for Thomas’ arm around him.

There was a voice coming from the direction of the house before any more questions could be asked. “Alright. Stop all your yammering and come inside. It’s getting late.” Alexander looked to the voice, seeing Peter Jefferson looking annoyed, Randolph already gone. He felt Thomas let go to grab their things, Alexander following to help. 

Everyone but Peter went inside, and when they went to walk inside, Alexander watched Peter grab Thomas’ wrist. Almost by instinct, he stopped next to him, turning to the two. “Go inside. This doesn’t concern you.” Peter looked at him like he wanted to strangle him, and Alexander gave him the smile. The smile he gave people that screamed defiance.

“I’m sure it does, sir. I mean even if I’m not here I’m sure I’ll find out what was said anyways.” Thomas gave him a concerned look, and Alexander returned it with a shake of his head, mouthing ‘it’s alright.’. 

Peter scowled, and it only made Alexander grin. “I will only repeat myself this once, Hamilton. Go. Inside.” Alexander crossed his arms, which was a little difficult to do with his duffel bag on his arm.

“And neither will I. I’m not going anywhere, and if you recall the last time you tried making me do something, It did not end very well for you. I recall George calling you out for putting your hands on me, and Lafayette cussing you out in French.” Alexander heard Thomas snort, and it calmed Alexander’s anger down a bit. “I recall the words, “The next time you put your hands on either of my boys, I won’t hesitate to reveal your affair.” The Hemings one I assume?”

The look on Peter’s face was almost humorous. Alexander knew he’d lose much more than his perfect little family. It would affect his entire business. When Alexander turned to Thomas, he realised what he had just said. Alexander had only known of it because he overheard a conversation between George and Martha, Martha asking him if he’s really do it to the poor Hemmings girl and her children.

He felt begun to feel bad. He knew it was one of the things that would hurt Thomas if he knew the full depth of it. He hadn’t mentioned the children though. He was still slightly in the clear. “Forget it.” Peter looked at him in disgust and Thomas seemed confused. Alexander nodded and turned to follow Thomas inside.

»»————- ————-««

Once they were settled in the room, just relaxing on the bed, Thomas decided to bring what Alexander had mention up. “What did you mean earlier? You mentioned an affair…”

Thomas saw Alexander tense up while he was typing furiously on his laptop, slowing down. After a moment of silence, Thomas closed the laptop and set it on the nightstand. Alexander closed his eyes, and Thomas pulled him close. “Please…”

Alexander took a breath before speaking. “The first time we met. It was the day after I moved in with the Washingtons. The dinner. He had heard John and I making gay jokes in the living room, and came in and called us fags, telling John it wasn’t long before his parents disowned him. When I came here, John was the only person who I really trusted. I had gotten up and started defending John.

He was telling me to back out of it, and when he pulled on my hair, yelling how I was more like a girl anyways. George walked in on it, John with his face red from where he had been slapped and your father with his hand still pulling on my hair.” Alexander paused, and Thomas noticed he was crying. Thomas pulled Alexander closer to his chest, kissing the top of his head.

“George had apparently found out about his affair with a girl. Most of what I know is from what I overheard, but I do know there was a girl. Her name is Sally Hemings. She- there was two kids. I don’t know their names, but she had two children over the course of the affair. She was single, so there was- they were-” Alexander choked up, and Thomas just continues to hold him. SO he had two unknown siblings. That wasn’t what he had been expecting to find out. 

“It’s alright. If anything, he deserves the shit. It’s good someone can tame him that quickly.” Thomas kissed Alexander’s forehead. “Not even my mother can get him to submit like that.”

It confused him when Alexander shook his head. “That’s not even what hurts about the thing though. He was right. I look like a fucking girl with my hair so long, and I shouldn't. I should look like a fucking guy. I shouldn't like to wear fucking dresses when I’m out with Peggy.” Thomas felt his heartache when he heard it. His father was so wrong, but he understood. Peter Jefferson had a way of making the stupidest of statements seem true.

“That’s so wrong Alex. Oh my god that’s so fat from the truth. You look beautiful with your hair long. I had no clue you wore dresses,” Alexander blushed when he mentioned it. “But it doesn’t matter. If fucking Peggy approves of an outfit, you  _ know _ it looks amazing.” Thomas kissed Alexander’s nose. “I don’t fucking care if you wear a dress. I don't care if you look like a damn girl. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”

Alexander pulled him into a kiss, Thomas moving a hand to run it through Alexander’s hair. He grabbed a chunk of it at the base of Alexander’s throat, gently tugging on it. The small moan Alexander let out made Thomas smile. Taking Alexander’s bottom lip between his teeth he gently pulled on it before moving down, kissing along Alexander’s jawline, relishing in it every time Alexander would gasp, or dig his nails into Thomas’ back.

Thomas eventually pulled away, feeling bad at the small whimper Alexander let out. “Not while my sister is literally a room over Alexander.” With a small huff, Alexander nodded and got up to go change, coming out of the bathroom a few minutes later in one of Thomas’ shirts. The short immigrant came and plopped on the bed next to the Virginian, wrapping his arms around Thomas.

They stayed like that, holding each other until they ended up laying down, still wrapped around each other. It was silent, save their breathing. Alexander was the first one to speak. “You know what would piss your dad off more than almost anything?”

“Hm?” Thomas looked at Alexander, who was grinning. Looking at Alexander he thought about their future together. Whenever he thought about it he would usually get anxious, but somehow, with Alexander curled up next to him, giving him a smile that made him melt every time, he knew he couldn’t bear to lose him.

“If I were to wear a dress tomorrow. It would the hell out of him. Even more than my pure existence at the moment.” Whatever fear Alexander had seemed to have earlier had seemingly washed away.

“It’s up to you. Do you even have one? I mean, I’m sure Lucy or Mary would lend you one if not. They like playing the “who can piss dad off the most” game.”

Alexander muttered something, and when Thomas gave him a confused look, Alexander spoke up. “I mean I do have one Peggy convinced me to bring…” His face was turning a shade of red while he spoke. Thomas grinned and pecked Alexander’s cheek, sitting up.

“Lemme see. You up for showing me?” Alexander nodded and got up, just grabbing one of his bags and going into the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, Alexander was emerging from the bathroom in a ivory and red dress. It had an ivory lace top that was sleeveless, a blood red collar and skirt that went to about mid-thigh. Alexander had shaved his legs and was blushing furiously. Thomas gave him a smile and felt his own face heating up.

“You look fucking amazing,” Thomas said, and that seemed all the prompting Alexander needed before walking over to him and pulling the Virginian into a kiss. Thomas wrapped his arms around Alexander, who had gotten up on the bed to straddle Thomas. The kiss was gentle, and when Thomas pulled away Alexander was grinning. “Everyone else is going to die when they see Peter’s face tomorrow.”

Alexander chuckled. “They better. I didn't fucking shave for nothing. Although I may or may not have stockings and flats that go with it.” Alexander was giving him a mischievous smile.

“Okay, now I have to see the full outfit.” Alexander nodded and slid off of him, making a show of bending down to get the flats and stockings that made Thomas blush. When Alexander leaned up, he slid the stockings on, then the flats. The stockings stopped just below his knee and were the same ivory as the top of his dress.

“Ya know it would probably look nicer if my hair wasn’t a rat’s nest.” Alexander crossed his arms, blushing.

“Your hair looks just fine dear.” Alexander sighed and started walking over, only to pause when there was a knock on the door. Alexander stopped and looked at Thomas, who pointed to the bathroom. Alexander hurried inside and shut the door, and Thomas slipped on a shirt before opening the door to reveal his Mary, grinning.

“Lucy and I are going to the bar, you and Alexander wanna come?” She leaned in his room, and Thomas let out a small sigh.

“Depends which one. If it’s the one by the mall no, if it’s any of the other ones, let me go see.” Thomas glanced over to the bathroom then to his sister, who he promptly pulled inside the room and closed the door. Before Mary could speak he went over to the bathroom and poked his head inside to see Alexander sitting on the counter, swinging his legs. “It’s just Mary. She says her and Lucy plan on going to the bar. You wanna come out?”

Alexander gave him a small smile. “Sure. Why not.” Thomas watched as the small immigrant hopped off the counter, opening the door more so he could slip out. The look on Mary’s face when she saw Alexander, still in the dress made Thomas smile.

Mary was smiling even more, and she ran over to give Alexander a hug. “Oh my god! You look so beautiful! No choice now. You two are coming. And no, Thomas we’re not going to the one by the mall.”

Alexander seemed to relax at Mary’s reaction and when they pulled apart, Thomas spoke up. “Good.” When Alexander gave him a look of confusion Thomas replied with, “It’s the one we went to the other day with everyone.” Alexander nodded and went over to the bed, sitting down on the edge.

“Well, if we’re going somewhere and I don’t get a choice, someone is doing my hair. I’m sure as hell not.”

Thomas and Mary laughed, and Thomas tossing Alexander’s brush to Mary. “While I get ready, you’re on hair duty.”

»»————- ————-««

The next morning Alexander had almost no memory of the night before. His head was pounding, and he was grateful when he felt Thomas shift behind him, pulling him closer. It was dark in the room, the curtains pulled shut and the lights off.

The bliss lasted all of five minutes before his phone started ringing loudly on the night table, not only making him groan in pain from his migraine, but Thomas waking up as well. Alexander checked who it was, denying the call when he saw it was just Lafayette. While he was at it, Alexander checked the time, groaning again when he saw it was already eight.

“What time is it?” Thomas mumbled, Alexander, feeling Thomas move his head to rest on his shoulder.

“About eight.” Alexander set his phone down and turned to face Thomas, pecking his lips.

“Shit. I give it under an hour for someone to come yell at us breakfast is ready.”

“But I don’t wanna move.”

“Tough. Now get up and get ready for the day.” Thomas kissed him, Alexander surprised at how something so simple could make him melt. Alexander pulled away and looked at Thomas’ face, deciding in that moment that he never wants to leave this man’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Lin.
> 
> Also, I know historically it was Thomas who had the kids with Sally Hemings, but she was convenient, and it works for the sake of this story. The kids also did exist, although I don't think I'll go much more into detail.


	11. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka Alexander is a queen and slAYS
> 
>  
> 
> plus this gets too deep at one paint, and idk why

Lucy and Mary had apparently found out their plans to annoy their father, and not long after Alexander got out of the shower he was being dragged by the two girls to get him ready. Lucy insisted he wears one of hers since she was closer to his size.

In the end, he was wearing a soft ivory sweater that had been tucked into a black skater skirt. He had somehow been convinced into letting the girls do his hair, and was thankful when they only curled it and threw it into an artfully messy ponytail.

After what felt like forever he was deemed ready and Thomas was allowed to come in, his reddening face making Alexander and the girls laugh. Lucy and Mary left the room telling them to meet the two of them downstairs for breakfast.

As soon as they were out of sight, Alexander was pulled into a kiss, which he melted into. When Thomas finally pulled away he kissed Alexander’s forehead. “You look amazing. I’m surprised you kept this little thing a secret.”

“You can’t blame me! I didn’t know what you’d think. The only people I’ve really told are Lafayette, John, and Peggy. And John only knows because he caught Peggy and me at a mall.” Alexander moved away and grabbed onto Thomas’ hand. “Now come on. I’m starving.”

»»————- ————-««

Thomas almost burst into laughter when his father saw Alexander. Mary and Lucy looked like they wanted to as well, and his mother didn’t seem to notice everyone else and only gave him a smile. Thomas and Alexander sat down, and that was when he noticed the smile Alexander was giving his father. The ‘fuck you’ smile.

“Well, I know you went out last night, but I didn’t know my son brought home a girl.” That broke Lucy, who burst out in laughter, but the look his Father received was anything but funny.

“Well, I know you have extremely old-fashioned beliefs, but I didn’t know we were back in the 1700’s when gender roles mattered.” Alexander gave him a smug look.

It’s at that moment Randolph walks in, making gagging noises when he sees Alexander. Thomas smiled a little. This was going to be an interesting meal. Randolph takes his seat, giving Alexander an obvious once-over. “Father, I thought Thomas was dating a guy. Not some tranny.”

The way both Alexander and Lucy’s faces dropped made it obvious that it was some sort of bad insult. Lucy was the first to jump up, pointing her finger at Randolph while she spoke. “Why should it fucking matter? So what? He looks fucking amazing, and just because a guy wears a fucking dress and has long hair doesn’t make them trans. It doesn’t change anything! None of you had a fucking issue when I brought Charles around!” Lucy seemed to register what she said when her eyes widened and she flinched. Her relief when Alexander spoke up was evident.

“And so what if I wear a goddamn dress. It’s not harming you in any way, shape, or form. I don’t see my choices hurting you.” Alexander had stood now, and Thomas didn’t know what to say. All he could do was watch as the scene before him unfold.

“Hamilton I suggest you watch your tone.” His father’s voice was like poison, but one his boyfriend was obviously immune to, as he continued.

“No! You’re in no position to speak right now. You speak down on my choices? Why not reflect on your own. I’m sure they’ve harmed more lives than mine has.” That seemed to press a button. Thomas wanted to tell Alexander to calm down before things got physical, but Alexander wasn’t incorrect. His father had done much worse, and Thomas had learned over years of debating and arguing with Alexander, he always thought out his points. Alexander spoke without speaking, but he didn’t spiel rumors. He always spoke the truth, no matter how painful.

“First off, Lucy we’ll speak later about Charles. Secondly, Thomas, you can’t simply let him shout like this. I would have been able to even stand that Laurens kid-”

Alexander cut him off before he could continue. “John is fucking dead. John is fucking dead because people like you exist. I fucking dare you to speak about him one more time, because his memory shouldn’t be made up by people like you, who don’t care. Even his own fucking family didn’t know him. I suggest you leave him out of this.”

“I want you out of this house before noon. Thomas, I suggest you make a decision. Would you rather be with your blood or this abomination?” Thomas’ eyes widened. This wasn’t what he had been expecting. The choice was obvious, but what about his sisters? Lucy had obviously angered their father, and he didn’t want his anger to be directed to her.

Lucy’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “You can’t do shit like that. And you know what? We’re not going to talk about Charles. It shouldn’t fucking matter. I was going to spend the rest of the year here before the year started at Columbia, but I can’t stand it anymore! If you’re going to be doing shit like this I’m done!”

“I agree with Lucy. It shouldn’t matter.” Mary spoke up. “And I have no idea what Alexander was talking about with your decisions, but It must be pretty fucking big for you to hesitate. I’m out by the end of the year.” Thomas was surprised. They all knew turning on their father would most likely end in their cards being cut off, but it had gone on too long. Before anyone could respond Lucy was dragging Alexander out of the room, Mary not far behind them.

“So Thomas, are you going to disgrace this family as well, or will you be a good kid and stay.” His father’s voice was full of malice. If both his sisters were willing to walk out, so should he.

“Unlike you, I’m not a disloyal son of a bitch.”

»»————- ————-««

Alexander was dragged to Lucy’s room, where she promptly started packing her basic necessities and quite a bit of her closet. “I’m coming with you guys, we’re stopping at a bank so I can withdraw some cash before he cuts me off, and we’re getting the hell out of here.”

“Wait, but what if Thomas doesn’t come? What if he stays and-”

Alexander was cut off by Mary. “He’s not going to abandon you. Just seeing how he looks at you, he obviously loves you. He’s not going to choose a trust fund over you. And, Lucy I’ll go get some from my stash. It should be enough to get a decent place.”

Lucy nodded. “Wait, why do you guys like, have this planned? You seem like you’ve thought this out ahead of time.”

“Alex, we all knew it was bound to happen. He was going to try to make Lucy leave Charles, and we all know it’s not happening any time soon. We needed to be ready for when he found out, and we know Thomas. He’s only ever dated one girl, but even then he seemed miserable.” Lucy zipped up her first bag, grabbing another one.

Mary left the room, and Alexander went and plopped on the bed ungracefully. “I so fucked this up. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.”

“Alexander, no. You’re right. Although what were you talking about with the whole choices thing? I’ve never seen something make him hesitate and freak out even more.” Alexander closed his eyes and felt a dip in the bed, where he assumed Lucy was laying down.

“Long story short, he had this whole affair with this girl, got her pregnant twice. She kept both kids. I wouldn’t actually do anything though. She doesn’t deserve that kind of thing.”

There was no response, only the sound of a door opening and closing, a loud huff, and another dip in the bed, which he assumed to be Mary.

What felt like forever later, the door opened and they all shot up to see the newcomer. Alexander almost lost his shit when he saw Thomas standing in the doorway with a black eye. The immigrant jumped up and rushed over. “What happened? Are you alright? Please tell me he didn’t do that you… Shit, it’s all my fault I fucked up.”

“No, it’s not. I’ll be fine. Now go get your stuff together. We should get going as soon as possible.” Alexander nodded while Thomas spoke, walking out of the room silently to go get his things together. He made his way to the room, throwing the few things not in his bags already back in them. The process didn’t take very long to complete, and after a bit, he felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around him.

Alexander instinctively leaned into Thomas, closing his eyes with a huff. “Lucy is going to come back with us. Mary said she was going to stay until the holidays, so she can save up a little more.” Alexander nodded and turned around to catch Thomas’ lips in a kiss, relaxing into it. Thomas was the first one to pull away, stepping away. “Let me get my things together.”

He went over and sat on the bed while he watched Thomas move about the room, collecting anything of importance. When Thomas was done Alexander watched him bring all their bags to the door before walking back over. “Come on. I’ll be fine. Let’s go get Lucy and go the fuck home.” Alexander nodded again and allowed himself to be dragged out of the bed, grabbing his bags on the way out. Lucy and Mary were already by the car when they got out there, Lucy getting her things in her trunk, telling them she’s just going to follow them.

They said their goodbye to Mary, who promised Lucy to send her some rent money each month when she finds them an apartment. Not even an hour into their drive back, Alexander let sleep take him, falling asleep curled up as best as can.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander felt someone gently shaking him hours later. He sat up and yawned, stretching while he did so. “We there yet?” the immigrant asked, feeling his face warm up when he noticed his accent was thick from sleep.

“Yea. I just parked. Lucy’s on a Mcdonalds run, I sent her the address.” Alexander nodded and opened the car door, enjoying the feel of standing. Closing the door, he made his way to the trunk to grab his things, following Thomas back to their dorm. When the door opened, Alexander dropped his things on the floor and plopped on his bed, curling up in a comfortable ball. “Come on food’s gonna be here soon.” Thomas went over and plopped on top of the immigrant, who let out an ‘ _oof_ ’ at the sudden weight on top of him.

The Virginian chuckled, getting off of Alexander, who had begun scrambling to get him off. Alexander was about to tell Thomas off for laying on top of him when he felt a pair of lips on his. Instead of pushing him away and going on his rant, Alexander melted into the kiss, feeling a hand snake it’s way around his waist, pulling him closer. It was in that moment Alexander remembered he was still in the skirt and he felt his face warming up. He pulled away, shouting “Shit!” and cupping his head in his hands.

“What is it? Are you alright?” Alexander couldn’t see him, but he felt the gentle hands, gently tugging to move his hands away from his eyes.

“I just realised I never changed, and I just walked through a large chunk of the school. Literally, anyone could have seen me.” The immigrant looked up, watching while Thomas’ face morphed from confusion to worry.

“Hey, just breathe. It’s gonna be alright. Nobody of importance most likely saw you, and it’s two in the morning on a Thursday. Everyone is either gonna be asleep or studying in their rooms.” Alexander couldn’t breathe. This was one of the few things he had been able to keep from the world. It was fine in the privacy of Monticello. He knew everyone there, and nobody had taken any pictures that would make their way to social media without his approval. But this wasn’t private. The moment someone saw him looking like this he knew they’d take a photo and ignore whatever he had to say about not posting it.

He felt his breath speeding up, the world around him beginning to spin. He registered someone talking to him, but not who it was and what they were saying. He was too focused on his worry. He noticed hands on him. Hands. From a person. Without another thought, he tried yanking himself from those hands. He didn’t want this they needed to get off of him. He then felt another pair of hands on him. No. Not more people. He didn’t know who they were. Alexander couldn’t breathe. No. No.  _No._

“No.” Was the last thing Alexander said before he lost consciousness.

»»————- ————-««

Thomas almost breathed a sigh of relief when Alexander passed out. Lucy had come in in the midst of his panic attack while he mumbled to himself. It was worrying though when he wouldn’t respond. After a few moments of silence, Alexander’s breathing returned to normal and that calmed Thomas down immensely. A calm Alexander was a good Alexander. Suddenly feeling the urge not to let go of him, he maneuvered them into a more comfortable position, with Thomas leaning against the wall and Alexander laying with his head in Thomas’ lap. Lucy had raised an eyebrow at it, but let it slide after walking in on Alexander freaking out.

About an hour later, his sister was lying in his bed, passed out, Thomas being the only one awake. He gently ran a hand through Alexander’s hair, not wanting to move for fear of awakening Alexander. He stayed like that, finding something calming with the soft hair between his fingers and the light snores. He felt Alexander shift in his lap, a few moments later sitting up to look at him. “You feeling alright?” Thomas asked, detangling his hand from Alexander’s messy hair.

“I think so. I dunno. I’m tired and cold. Das all that matters.” Alexander wrapped himself around Thomas, using his weight to pull him down. Thomas chuckled and leaned down to kiss Alexander’s forehead before pulling the covers over the two of them. They stayed like that in silence until Alexander spoke. “Have you ever thought about your future? Like, where you’ll be in like in the, twenty years?” Leave it to Alexander to have deep thoughts like that at two in the morning.

“Sometimes. Why are you thinking about this right now?” Thomas felt Alexander’s arms move in a shrug.

“I was just like, thinking. Ya know?”

Thomas snorted. “Never a good thing. ‘Specially at two in the morning.”

Alexander slapped his arm before continuing. “Because like, I was actually thinking about it for the first time. Like usually in relationships I just enjoy it in the moment, but then I started thinking about the future and it’s like, could I actually imagine spending the rest of my life with you?”

The Virginian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Alex, I love you, but it’s early and I haven’t gotten any sleep. Why don’t we get some sleep, and talk about this in the morning.”

The immigrant shook his head. “It is morning and I wanna know. I wanna make sure this isn't just another fling for you. I don’t think I could take another heartbreak.” Thomas noticed Alexander had started to cry and pulled him closer to his chest.

“Alex, I don’t know who tried putting a thought like that in your head, but whoever did was wrong. You’d never just be ‘another fling’. I couldn’t stand to lose you. I really do mean it. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay right here with you until you leave or until I die. If you meant so little to me would I have just walked away from my family for you? Would I have given up everything I’ve ever known, and a promise for a steady future?” Alexander shook his head, Thomas leaving a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I really do love you, Alexander. I’m not leaving until you tell me to.” Alexander continued to cry, and Thomas continued to hold him.

Thomas fell asleep that night to the sound of Alexander’s breathing.

»»————- ————-««

Alexander was the first one to wake up the next morning. Seeing the discarded bag of food from the night, he felt bad and decided to go get everyone coffees, leaving a sticky note in on the nightstand in case one of them woke up before he got back. Quickly slipping on some jeans and a sweater, Alexander left the dorm.

While walking down the hall he was stopped by Maria, who mentioned seeing some girl with Thomas the night before. Alexander froze up, knowing she was looking out for him but nervous she’d catch on to it. “I’ll talk to him about it.” was all he said before rushing away, hoping she had no clue it was him. Maybe it was a good thing though. He’d rather think Thomas was cheating then know about _that_. Too many people knew as it was.

He made it there and back alright. Hopefully, Maria was the only one to notice him last night, and if anyone else did, he hoped they didn't notice it was him. When he opened the door, Thomas was still asleep, but Lucy was wide awake, sprawled out on the couch while scrolling through her phone. She looked up at him when he walked inside, face lightening up when he saw the drinks. He handed her the frappuccino he had gotten for her, setting Thomas’ on the nightstand before joining Lucy on the couch, sipping his black coffee.

“Why do you get such a large size? Like, I know you paid but still.” Lucy shut off her phone to pay attention to him.

“Here’s the thing though. I drink straight up black coffee. Three bucks for it. The total order was fifteen bucks.”

“I can see where you stand. I can respect that.”

The rest of the day was spent catching up with Lucy, tears over anything and everything, and dead memes. 


	12. The Story of Tonight Part 1

_ I may not live to see our glory. _

One month. It had been one month of almost bliss. The time in Virginia had lightened the mood considerably, and everyone had fallen into a normal routine. Alexander still had constant nightmares, but they were slowly becoming less frequent. Life was calming down. Almost suspiciously after everything that had happened.

Alexander walked back to the car with his fingers laced with his boyfriend’s. They had just finished dinner at this small hole in the wall sushi place that Alexander loved. He got into Thomas’ car, taking his hand after they pulled out. They sat in a comfortable silence, Alexander leaning against Thomas’ arm while he drove. When it happened everything seemed to move in slow motion for Alexander.

There was a loud screeching, Thomas putting his hand on Alexander’s chest to prevent him from jerking forward, and then  the feeling of something slamming into the side of the car. The last thing Alexander felt was the impact before the darkness quickly overtook his vision and then nothing,

»»————- ————-««

_ But I will gladly join the fight. _

Thomas had tried to stop Alexander from smashing into the dashboard before the car slammed into them. It hit Alexander almost dead on, and he seemed to go unconscious almost immediately. While trying to pull Alexander out of the car he realised there was a lot of blood. Too much to be safe. He eventually got him out of the car and laying on the pavement, trying to stem the flow of blood with his jacket. “Alexander please don’t die on me please…” Thomas continued mumbling about how he couldn’t die on him, how he couldn’t leave him just yet. The only reason he noticed the paramedics was because they were gently pulling Alexander away from him and trying to figure out if he had been injured as well.

“I’m fine, it doesn’t matter I’m not the one bleeding from my fucking skull!” He has shouted, but their words were lost to him. Everything the virginian heard sounded like it was underwater. They had eventually let him return to Alexander’s side, where he stayed until they got to the hospital, and told him he couldn’t be with him until they got him stable. Thomas reluctantly let them cart Alexander away and check him for any injuries. Apparently he ended up breaking his wrist, but he didn’t feel it. He didn’t notice when they set it and put it in a cast. He didn’t notice when Lafayette came barging in and hugged him.

Everything felt numb. He hadn’t been able to get ahold of James in almost a week. Alexander was possibly dying and he couldn’t be there at his side. George and Martha eventually showed up, Martha looking ready to kill whoever was responsible and George surprisingly neutral looking. Although Thomas knew better. Alexander's adoptive father was most likely boiling with rage, ready to actually kill whoever had hurt his son.

When George saw Thomas he came over and started bombarding him with questions, his voice sounding deadly, although Thomas couldn’t find himself to respond or listen, only feeling warm tears fall down his face when he shut his eyes. “George please! Calm down.” Lafayette stepped in front of Thomas and for that he was grateful. “Think for a moment. Of all people, do you really think Thomas would just  _ allow _ something like this to happen?”

Everyone fell silent, staring at him. No, it was his fault. He should have noticed before something happened it should be him in there like that. The silence was broken by a familiar voice speaking. “So, are we all just going to surround him while his boyfriend is bleeding in a hospital room, or are we going to step away, take a fucking breath and actually listen to the information we can get?”

Lucy. Thomas looked up and would have smiled upon seeing her had he known Alexander was going to be alright. She came rushing over to hug him. “I called Mary as well. She said she would be here by morning.” He nodded and hugged her back, clutching at the familiarity of his sister. “So what happened. I know sure as hell neither of you saw it coming, and I know you know how to drive.”

He took a breath and released her, waiting for her to sit down before beginning. Lafayette had wrapped an arm around him while he recounted the events, and then everything went silent when he was done and stayed like that for another few hours until a nurse came into the waiting room. “Are you all here for Mr. Hamilton?” She spoke nervously, like there was some sort of bad news. Thomas nodded and tried to focus on the chorus of  _ yes _ ’s instead of the sinking feeling in his gut. If Alexander was dead it would be his fault. “Good, good. He’s stable and can have visitors, but we’d like to keep it to family only. He’s currently in a coma, a piece of bone from his skull had poked into his brain. He is very lucky to be alive, but we have no clue when he will wake.”

Everyone went silent again. The nurse awkwardly stood there for a few moments before speaking. “So, if any family would like to follow me,” When Thomas stood, George gave him a look, as if to say he wasn’t family and he was still upset something like this had happened to Alexander while he was with Thomas, but the nurse spoke before he got the chance to say anything. “Sir, I know you were in the car with him, but it’s family only.”

Lafayette (bless his soul) swooped in to save him. “Actually, this is his fiance. They got engaged not too long ago.” Thomas gave them his best smile, knowing George would have questions later, but was relieved when the nurse nodded and allowed him to follow. Walking into the room and seeing Alexander lie still broke his heart. His hands being still was so new to him. Thomas put a hand over his mouth to muffle any sound and felt warm tears fall down his face. It was all his fault.

Had he just been that much quicker. Had he made sure Alexander didn’t slam into the dashboard. He would be okay. Alexander would be up and smiling at them when they walked in the room, giving them hugs and assuring him that he was okay. That he was alive and happy and going to recover. Not lying here in this bed completely still, save the slow rise and fall from his chest, hooked up to a bunch of machines just to keep him alive. It was all his fault.

It was his fault Alexander might die.

»»————- ————-««

_ And when our children tell our story _

Lafayette wanted to throw up when he saw Alexander’s state. Sure, he had never minded a little blood, but there was so much. There was a waste basket with some already soaked through bandages, and there was a very thick one currently around Alexander’s head. He would have rushed to his side had George and Martha not already bed there, both crying. Instead, he turned to see Thomas, who had a hand over his mouth and was silently sobbing. Lafayette did the only thing he knew to help, and that was give him a hug. 

“It’s going to be okay, mon ami. He’s very strong. He’s going to survive. If a hurricane, starvation, and all the other things that have tried to take him can’t kill him, I doubt this will be what does it.” Thomas nodded, and Lafayette felt bad knowing he was most likely still blaming himself. “I mean it Thomas. He’s going to be alright.” Lafayette paused when he saw the doctor walk in and pull George and Martha out of the room.

Almost as soon as the door was closed both Thomas and Lafayette rushed to Alexander’s bedside, Thomas muttering something under his breath. Lafayette took his limp hand and wanted so bad for Alexander to open his eyes. For this to all be some cruel joke. For Alexander to sit up and make some stupid joke. 

He didn’t. It made this whole thing feel so much more real.

»»————- ————-««

_ They’ll tell the story of tonight. _

Thomas was relieved when everyone finally left. As soon as they were gone he sat in the chair next to the bed, loosely holding onto Alexander's hand. It was all his fault. No matter how many times Lafayette said it wasn’t in the end it was. He should have been more careful. He had also discovered the other person ended up dying, which made the whole thing worse. He was the only one who made it out of there without a permanent injury. He laid his head in his arms on the bed next to Alexander, letting the call of sleep overtake him.

The sound Thomas expected to wake from was silence save the beeping of Alexander's heart monitor. Instead he woke up to shouting just outside the door. “Come on! Letting his future sisters in-law isn’t going to be detrimental to his health. My fucking brother is in there anyways and we need to see them alive.”

“Ma’am we can’t let you guys through It’s not out decision.” Thomas rolled his eyes and got up, gently squeezing Alexander’s hand before standing up to get his sisters. He walked outside the room, and the moment Mary saw him she ran up and hugged him. Thomas wrapped his arms around her, allowing himself to find comfort in his sister.

“Good to see you alive. Oh! And I brought food.” She pulled away and Thomas weakly smiled in thanks. Luct had walked over holding said food, so he went back in the room, letting them follow him. They both gasped at Alexander’s state.

“Oh god. Do they have any idea as to when he might wake up?” Lucy set the food down and walked over to the bed.

“No. They don’t even know if he will wake up…” Thomas trailed off feeling Mary wrap her arms around him from behind.

“He will. We’ve known Alexander for years. Hell, he couldn’t even successfully take his own life. There’s no way he’ll die now.” Mary detached herself to go pass out the food, Thomas barely eating half of what they had gotten for him. Both his sisters seemed upset, but said nothing, instead reminding him everything would be alright.

They did their best to cheer Thomas up, a few hours later Lafayette walking into the room with lunch. “Lucy texted me.” he had said before passing out the food. Thomas was still surprised he hadn’t cried that much. Everything still felt numb and unreal, like Alexander would wake up at any moment and steal a fry from Thomas.

“So, Thomas, I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you should try to eat a bit more. You know Alexander would want to take care of yourself.” Lafayette had a sad look in his eyes, and despite how Thomas could see he had been crying, he couldn’t help himself.

“You’re already talking about him like he’s dead! Like he’s never going to fucking wake up! He wouldn’t- He isn’t fucking dead yet he’s not going to fucking die. He wouldn’t… You said it yourself yesterday! He’s going to survive this. He has to. He can’t just die like that it wouldn’t be like him! Fuck…” Thomas felt the warm tears on his face and seeing Lafayette on the verge of tears made him regret what he had said.

_ Raise a glass to freedom. _

“No, you know what? I don't fucking believe it, but after talking to the doctors and doing some fucking research he probably isn’t going to survive! George said he was going to give him two months. Two fucking months before he decides to just pull the plug. Do you think I like knowing that if Alexander isn’t awake in only two months he’s dead? People say it's taken people years to recover from things similar to what happened. He’s as good as dead at this point as much as I don’t want to fucking admit it.

So yea. I’m trying to come to terms with it now. Preparing myself for the worst because it’ll hurt less when George pulls the plug on his fucking life support.” Lafayette was crying by this point. “I just lost my best friend and now I’m about to lose my brother as well. At least we got to say goodbye to John. At this rate we never will talk to him again so we better start fucking preparing for it.”

Thomas didn’t know he was crying, and he had no idea where the rage was coming. Probably from the thought of losing someone else close to him. Someone he gave up so much for. “I’m not going to fucking give up on him Lafayette! You know better than anyone what losing a family is like, and you know sure as hell it fucking sucks losing people you love. How the fuck would you feel if it was you and Hercules here, huh? With him in that fucking bed, surviving because of fucking machines. Would you be preparing yourself for him to die, or would you hang onto the small hope he may survive? Really fucking think-”

“Enough!” Lucy shouted stepping between the two. “I get it, this is a tough time, but please! It also isn’t the time for arguing. Laf, that was kinda fucked bringing John into this, and Thomas that was fucked bringing Hercules into this. Both of you need to calm the fuck down. You’re both fucking stressed and scared he’s not going to survive. We all are!”

“Also, Lafayette is correct Thomas.” Mary piped up. “You should prepare for it if he doesn’t make it, because it is ultimately George's decision on when to pull the plug.” Thomas sighed and nodded, sitting back down in the chair next to Alexander, allowing the tears to fall down his face. He knew Lafayette was most likely crying as well, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. All he could think about was Alexander smiling at him only minutes before the crash.

»»————- ————-««

_ Something they can never take away. _

Thomas would forever look back at this day with tears in his eyes. Everything had calmed down, Hercules had come and brought Cards Against Humanity, which made them tear up a bit at the memory of the last time they had played this game. 

Lafayette had always chosen the most innocent cards, and didn’t understand why all of Alexander’s choices would receive so much laughter. Alexander was the one who made everything a sex joke one way or the other, and it was entertaining watching the way he would laugh every time Lafayette would say he didn't get it. Hercules was just as bad as Alexander, and would always tell Lafayette an incorrect answer to his questions making the whole thing even funnier. Thomas always chose cards that referenced history or politics, and resulted in more than one debate with Alexander.

That wasn’t the reason he would remember that night. Oh no.

The long beep of Alexander's heart monitor flatlining would be what he remembered. What would haunt his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Lin.
> 
> Also sorry for doing this to you all.


	13. The Story of Tonight Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is sad

_No matter what they tell you_

Alexander opened his eyes to a blinding light. He fist assumed it was a hospital, but they he noticed he was standing, and only feet in front of him stood John only, he looked much healthier. Without hesitation he ran over and wrapped his arms around him, letting himself cry a little bit. John wrapped his arms around him, and Alexander noticed he was freezing cold.

“Alexander, you have to listen. Thomas still needs you.” John kissed the top of his head and Alexander looked up at him.

“But, I miss you. I miss you so much John.”

“I know, Alex. But you’re still so young. You can’t join me just yet.” John seemed so calm, and it was only angering Alexander. He pulled away and looked him over.

“John please. Please. I can't take it anymore. I want to be with you again please. Please let me die already.”

“I can’t, Alexander. It’s not time for you to come with me yet. I need you to go back, and stay with Thomas. He can take care of you.”

“Please…”

“No. Do whatever you need to do to get over me, but please. You’ve been so happy. What about Laf and Herc? Or the Washingtons. What about Thomas, and his sisters? Are you really ready to leave them all?” Alexander shook his head at John’s words. He was right. There was so much. It was too easy to let go though… To come join John wherever he was and wait patiently for the others to join them. But if he let go, what would it do to the others?

“Okay.”

John smiled. “I love you Alexander. Stay strong for me.”

The next thing Alexander knew there was darkness, then nothing.

»»————- ————-««

_Raise a glass to all of us._

The amount of relief that flooded through everyone when a nurse came out to tell them he was stable again was unbelievable. “But for now, he can no longer have visitors until we know he is completely stable. I suggest going home and getting some rest, we’ll call when we know for sure.” Thomas saw everyone nod, and he knew he should agree, but he didn’t want to leave Alexander. Not after what had just happened.

Before Thomas got a chance to argue, Lafayette grabbed his wrist and started dragging him away. Deciding it wasn't worth it to argue, he let himself be dragged into a car, driven back to the college, and dragged to Lafayette and Hercules’ dorm. “I should go get some of my things Laf-”

Thomas had tried to slip away, but Lafayette was insistent. “Nonsense. I will go get your things, as I don’t think I can trust you to be in there alone right now.” Before he got another work in Lafayette left, leaving Thomas alone with Hercules.

“I’d just give it up. Besides, I’d bet you almost anything he’s going to steal one of Alexander’s sweaters. He did the same thing after John…” Hercules trailed off and Thomas understood why. It had become almost a mutual agreement that they didn’t directly say it, but everyone knew.

“Alright…” He sat on the couch and pulled his knees to his chest, closing his eyes. “This whole thing just sucks. Like it’s one thing after another and we never seem to get a break.”

Hercules snorted, and when Thomas opened his eyes he noticed for the first time that Hercules had been crying. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and it looked like he hadn’t slept much. “You can say that again. Alexander and John were like the glue to our little group. Without John, I never would have met Laf, and had Alexander not come along John would have been gone much sooner.”

It took a moment for him to understand, but as soon as he realised what Hercules was implying he felt even worse for the way he had treated John. But right now he wasn’t the one in a coma. His fate was sealed and decided. Everything was still so uncertain with Alexander, and Thomas didn’t want to think about what he’d do if he lost him. He already felt like he was losing James.

Wait. “You have a few classes with James, right?”

“Yeah, although he hasn’t been in any of them in almost a week. I actually expected him to show up at the hospital to help calm you down.”

“Something had to have happened though. It’s unlike him to just disappear like that. Last time we talked everything seemed to be fine.”

“I don’t know man. We can file a missing persons report in the morning if you want, but for now let’s get some rest.” Thomas nodded, taking his things when Lafayette came back and changing into one of the sweaters Alexander had stolen from him a while back that still smelled like him and a pair if sweats.

When he re-emerged from the bathroom, he ended up passing out on the couch, not having it in him to care.

»»————- ————-««

_Tomorrow there’ll be more of us_

It was weird waking up alone after so long of having someone there. When Thomas woke up the next morning, he groaned as memories of the past two days came flooding back. The accident, Alexander lying motionless in a bed, Alexander’s heart monitor flatlining.

He sat up and looked around, noticing Lafayette’s dorm room was empty. Thomas checked his phone to see a text from Lafayette.

 

 

> **BaguetteMom:**
> 
> **Herc and I went to go get some coffee and breakfast. We’ll be back soon.**

 

Thomas hated every moment of just laying about, and ended up pacing the room until Lafayette and Hercules returned. They both had concerned looks on their faces, but both ignored Thomas’ obvious distress. The trio sat down on the couch and loveseat and passed out the food, eating in silence for a bit.

“So, Laf. Have you heard anything from James in the past week? I haven’t been able to get ahold of him and I don’t know what happened to him.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him. Hasn’t shown up to any of the classes I have with him either.”

 

Later that day they would go to the police station to file a missing persons report. Little did they know it would be the beginning of the end.

»»————- ————-««

_Telling the story of tonight._

They got the call at three pm, and the speed in which they all were out the door must have been record time. Arriving at the hospital, they rushed into the front desk, who told him the room Alexander was in. Thomas didn’t give a flying fuck that Hercules and Lafayette were standing there, when the door was open, he rushed to Alexander’s side, taking his hand. He was relieved it was still warm, and despite how much he wished Alexander was awake, was relieved at the steady beat of his heart monitor.

Thomas let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding. After a few moments Lafayette sat on the bed by Alexander’s feet and Hercules took a chair. They had about thirty minutes of tranquility before his sisters were barging into the room, Lucy with a Krispy Kreme box in hand and Mary holding a trays of coffee.

“We come bearing gifts!” Lucy said with a smile that seemed to lighten up the room. They passed out the donuts and coffee, Thomas unable to touch his. For some reason he didn’t want to drink it. Seeing Alexander laying there, he couldn’t help but think if he was up he would have stolen it by now and complained about the fact there was milk and sugar in there. He smiled at the thought and took a bit of his donut.

“So, how are you all holding up? Any information we should know about?” Mary set down her cup, eyes flitting around the room.

“Nothing about Alexander, but…” Lafayette started, trailing off.

“James is missing.” Thomas finished for him.

Lucy and Mary both gasped. “Wait, like, James-I-used-to-always-carry-a-pocketknife?”

“Yes. What other James would we be talking about?”

“Oh.” The girls said in unison.

“So, what did the police say?” Mary asked.

“Said they’d look into it, try and find him. For some reason they can’t track his phone, and the last place they could was in the dorms.”

“So they have nothing? Not even an idea as to where he is?”

“Exactly.” Thomas felt his stomach fill with dread. Something was definitely going to happen to him.

»»————- ————-««

_Let’s have another round tonight._

 

> **_BaguetteMom created the group “Get Thomas some damned help”_ **
> 
> **_BaguetteMom added HorseFucker, PegLeg, OkayMom, and SpecialChild to “Get Thomas some damned help”_ **
> 
> **SpecialChild:**
> 
> **Hey! Why is my name “Special Child”?**
> 
> **OkayMom:**
> 
> **Shush. You’ve always been the special one.**
> 
> **PegLeg:**
> 
> **I thought I was special!**
> 
> **BaguetteMom:**
> 
> **You are, just not in the way Lucy is.**
> 
> **SpecialChild:**
> 
> **Rude! Also, who the hell is Horse Fucker?**
> 
> **HorseFucker:**
> 
> **It was ONE TIME god damnit!**
> 
> **BaguetteMom:**
> 
> **xD Okay love. Whatever you say.**
> 
> **But down to business.**
> 
> **Plan get Thomas to calm the fuck down and actually take care of himself.**
> 
> **Ideas?**
> 
> **OkayMom:**
> 
> **For starters we need to make sure the guy eats. Maybe make a schedule that rotates every few days, and make sure he’s being fed three meals a day.**
> 
> **HorseFucker:**
> 
> **I doubt we’re gonna tear him away from Alexander long enough to sleep on a normal bed so I guess just hope he’s sleeping while there.**
> 
> **PegLeg:**
> 
> **Maybe convince him someone will be there with Alexander so the guy can bathe.**
> 
> **SpecialChild:**
> 
> **Have you seen how the guy is with his hair? I highly doubt he’d let it get too messed up.**
> 
> **OkayMom:**
> 
> **Lucy. Not the time for your jokes.**
> 
> **BaguetteMom:**
> 
> **I agree. So does everyone agree with everything so far?**
> 
> **HorseFucker:**
> 
> **Yep!**
> 
> **PegLeg:**
> 
> **Yee**
> 
> **OkayMom:**
> 
> **Yeah.**
> 
> **SpecialChild:**
> 
> **Yessss**
> 
> **BaguetteMom:**
> 
> **Good.**

»»————- ————-««

_Raise a glass to freedom._

Lucy hated seeing her brother like this. She hadn’t seen Thomas look so broken since… ever really. He had always been strong for her and Mary, despite his own personal struggles. It was off setting to say the least. He walked into the room, holding a bag of pastries and two coffees. It was her morning to make sure he ate.

He didn’t seem to notice her until she set the food down on the bed. “Breakfast is served!”

“I told Laf I don’t need you all bringing me food, I’m fine.”

“Thomas, we all know if nobody was bringing you food you’d never sleep. You’re too concerned about Alex, and we get that. Do you know how worried everyone has been? Fuck, man. Everyone is worrying about Alexander, yes, but with the way you’re going everyone thinks you’re going to do something stupid if he doesn’t make it! And not like dropout of school stupid, Thomas. End your own damn life stupid.” She felt tears pricking at the edges of her eyes, blurring her vision. Lucy couldn’t find it in herself to care. “Fuck, I’m terrified. I can’t lose my brother again! Lafayette doesn't have many options with his right now, and here you are, too busy just sitting here to even take care of yourself!”

That was the wrong thing to say, but it was too late. “You think I like seeing him like this Lucy? I fucking walked away from everything. Had you and Mary not agreed with me, had you both chosen your trust funds over your own opinions, I’d fucking be alone right now! Sure, Lafayette might lose his brother. I might lose my entire fucking world! The one fucking person I was willing to do anything, literally anything for. I wish I was the one in that fucking bed because his death would be so much worse on everyone than mine would! You and Mary would be able to get back into your perfect worlds. I have nothing without him. Especially with James missing!

No James, no Alex, no real reason for me to do anything. It would all be so much easier to bear if we at least knew where James was! But no. My best friend is missing and my boyfriend is fucking comatose. Nothing is okay right now!” She didn’t know when they had started crying, but they both were. It fucking sucked. Thomas was helpless and unable to do anything for Alexander, and Lucy was helpless and unable to help her older brother. It fucking hurt like a bitch.

“Thomas, If he doesn’t make it you know you can’t dwell on it. You really should prepare for the worst. It’d hurt so much less if he doesn’t make it.”

“Don’t you think I know that? I can’t just let him go. I can’t do it. Lucy he’s so fucking young and brilliant. There’s no way in hell I’d be able to do that.”

“I know.”

»»————- ————-««

_Something they can never take away._

The first thing Alexander could remember was shouting. Shouting? He couldn’t recognise the voices, or any words. Just loud voices screaming back and forth. He then realised he couldn’t see anything, or feel his own body. That was weird. He had no clue how long it was before the voices became understandable, and even then he could only make out bits of what they were saying.

“... James Missing!.... Fucking comatose…” Wait what? “Prepare for the worst.” What did that mean? “Can’t let him go.” It was confusing. Nothing was making sense at the moment. He continued to lay there, but the voices had gone silent. He tried to pick apart at least who they were. They both had a heavy southern drawl, one feminine and one masculine. Okay. That was good. With a little more thinking he determined the guy to be either Thomas Jefferson or John Laurens. He felt like he was missing something, but they were the only two guys he knew who sounded remotely close to his voice.

The female could be anyone. He couldn’t think of anyone who sounded like that, so he brushed it off as either one of John’s sisters or one of Thomas’ sisters. What did they mean by the bits he got? Alexander didn’t get much more time to think, as his consciousness was once again consumed into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for making this chapter a thing. Trust me, it only gets worse from here.


	14. Don't Let Go

Thomas awoke the next morning to a light knocking on the door. After muttering, “come in,” to whoever was on the other side he peeled himself up to face them. It turned out to be Lucy, standing there and holding a small parcel.

“I found this sitting outside of your dorm.” She said before handing it to him. He gave it a once over before carefully tearing it open. Inside of the paper there was a small box. It smelled off, and there was a sticky note on top with a phone number and ‘call this number if you want to hear him again.

“Uhh, Lucy? Do you think that there’s some sort of bomb in here?” He handed her the note and she read it over.

“Open the box then call the number. Who are they referring to?”

“No idea,” the Virginian mumbled before opening the box. As soon as he saw what was inside, he wanted to scream. It looked like a tongue. Rotting and disgusting. He couldn’t find it in himself to make any noise. He dropped the box, and without hesitation called the number.

While it was ringing he heard Lucy screech. She looked like she was about to say something, but whoever was on the other line answered.

“So I see you found our warning.” A voice said. It sounded masculine, and had a thick british accent.

“Who are you and what the hell is that thing?” he asked nervously.

“Why don’t you ask your friend James? Oh wait. He can’t speak without his tongue.” Thomas felt his heart sink. James had been missing for over a week. Nobody could find him. He wasn’t answeing his phone and there was no way anyone could get to him. They had James.

Holding back a sob, Thomas responded to the man. “You’re lying. There’s no way-” He was cut of by someone’s- James’ screams. They did. They confirmed it.

“Now, I’ve been thinking about giving him back. But what would be the fun in that? I quite enjoy hearing him scream.”

“Thomas just hang up. Don’t listen. It’s only going to make it worse on you.”

“Shut your mouth Princess or I’ll make you my next plaything. If you want your precious James back alive I suggest you let Maira Lewis know about this. Tell her she shouldn’t have left, and if she comes back no more harm with come to the innocent boy.” Before anyone could respond the line on the other side cut out, signaling whoever it was hung up.

“Lucy we have to go to the police with this. We have a number which means they can find a location.”

“It was probably a burn phone Luce. Nobody is that stupid.”

“Maybe ask Maria? He said she would know who he was.”

“I guess.”

Turns out, Maria did know who it was. His name was James Reynolds, and he was her ex. Apparently the breakup was messy, and he wouldn’t leave her alone. Only downside is Maria refused to return to him. She said the same thing as Lucy, to go to the police, but he couldn’t do that. Thomas knew that would require leaving Alexander, and if he woke up alone Thomas wouldn’t forgive himself.

But James. His life was on the line. If he didn’t do as Reynolds had said he would lose his best friend. Who now obviously couldn’t talk anymore. Thomas couldn’t take it. He just wanted it all to be over.

»»————- ————-««

A week had passed with no word about James when it happened. It was one of the few times Thomas left Alexander’s side when he saw him stumble through the front doors into the hospital. James could barely stand, and as soon as one of the nurses caught sight of him they were surrounding him. He never got a chance to react. Thomas’ entire body went numb and frozen.

By the time Thomas reacted James was already gone. Still somewhat in shock, he walked back to Alexander’s room, grasping onto his hand. He had no clue what to do, so he did what he had started doing to calm himself. Talk to Alexander.

“I know you probably can’t hear me, and if you can, it’s not like you could say or do anything to comfort my sorry ass. But James just came stumbling into the hospital. I didn’t get a chance to react or help him, but I plan to check on him in a few hours.” Thomas felt himself begin to cry as he laid his head down on Alexander’s shoulder.

“God. He looked so messed up Lexi. He was covered in blood, and after what that person had claimed to be his tongue was found? I can’t lose him. Everyone has been leaving me and I’m going to be alone for so long. What if you don’t survive this? Jemmy isn’t going to be able to speak ever again, and I…” He began to sob.

“I can’t lose you two. Sure, I still have Lucy and Mary but that’s it. Alex please. Please make it out of this. I don’t want to be attending your funeral anytime soon. You’re supposed to become a world known lawyer, remember? I love you, Alexander. Please. At least be able to hear that…” Thomas sobbed until he eventually fell asleep.

»»————- ————-««

Little did Thomas know, Alexander was in fact able to hear what he had said. His moments of semi-consciousness were becoming more distinguishable. When Alexander heard Thomas start to talk, it physically pained him to be unable to reach over and hug him.

“I know you probably can’t hear me,”  _Psht. If only you knew_. “And if you can, it’s not like you could say or do anything to comfort my sorry ass.”  _I wish I was able to wake up and help_. “But James just came stumbling into the hospital. I didn’t get a chance to react or help him, but I plan to check on him in a few hours.” _Damn. Poor James. Never liked him too much until everything with John went down. Hopefully he survives. Thomas needs someone who can be there for him._

Alexander heard Thomas begin to cry, and it physically pained him to be unable to comfort him. “God. He looked so messed up Lexi. He was covered in blood, and after what that person had claimed to be his tongue was found? I can’t lose him.”  _I know love. I know._  “Everyone has been leaving me and I’m going to be alone for so long. What if you don’t survive this?”  _I will. I’m not going to let this be the reason I die. You know this Tommy._  “Jemmy isn’t going to be able to speak ever again, and I…” He began to sob.

“I can’t lose you two. Sure, I still have Lucy and Mary but that’s it. Alex please. Please make it out of this. I don’t want to be attending your funeral anytime soon.”  _I’m trying._  “You’re supposed to become a world known lawyer, remember?”  _And you’re supposed to be my partner. We’re supposed to own our own firm..._ “I love you, Alexander. Please. At least be able to hear that…” If Alexander was able to cry, he was sure he would be.

Thomas didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this kind of pain. He should be happy and out spending time with friends, not sitting in the hospital with his comatose boyfriend, while his best friend is possibly dying. They were all still so young. They all had so much potential.

»»————- ————-««

“Okay! Listen up. Project get Thomas out of that damn hospital for longer than five minutes.” Lucy stood on the couch, arms raised in the air.

“Luce, you need to take a break from this. Let’s face it, he’s not going to leave Alexander’s side.” Mary said from her spot on a chair. From the way everyone was ‘sitting’ on the furniture you’d assume they’re all gay. Which, isn’t all that far from the truth to be honest.

“She’s right mon ami. Knowing Thomas and how close he was with Alex, it’s going to take Alexander flatlining to get him away. And we’re all hoping that doesn’t happen. Poor guy’s lost so much recently…”

“I have to say, I’m on Laf and Mary’s side Lucy. There really is no getting Thomas away from him. All we can do is make sure he’s eating and bathing regularly and he’ll be fine. If Alexander doesn’t make it it’s going to be up to us to keep him from doing anything stupid.”

“I just, I want Thomas back. He hardly notices when someone is there anymore. It’s worrying.”

“I know.” Lafayette got up and brought Lucy into a hug. “He’ll be okay eventually.”

“I hope so…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to get up. I also meant to make this chapter longer, but I've been in a stare of "what the actual fuck?" for days. My abusive stepfather's sentencing was on the 17th, and after that, I was too surprised to post. He got 38 to life! I'm just. Ahhh. I don't know Lots of emotions. Plus school starts next week, so chapters are most likely going to be shorter and posted whenever I get the chance. Tysm for your patience!


	15. Gone

Today was the day. If Alexander didn't wake up they planned to pull the plug. Thomas wasn't even crying at this point. He was broken and numb. Lafayette was begging his father to give him another week, but George wasn't listening. It really was the end

Only an hour left. Thomas was sitting in the bed next to him, holding on to Alexander's hand. The sight was something else. Everyone was screaming, crying, or too numb to the pain to feel anything. At one point Thomas got up and went to go see James, who he was informed had passed only minutes before. When Thomas returned, it was barely in time to watch.

He didn't even want to see it. As soon as he saw Alexander's chest stop moving he was gone, out of the hospital. He couldn't take it. Thomas rummaged through the cabinets in the dorm until he found a bottle of pills and some razors.

He swallowed the pills and before he finished the job, he called Lafayette. "Thomas! Are you okay?"

"Bye Laf. Tell Mary and Lucy I'm sorry."

"Wait what?" Thomas didn't bother to end the call. He slid the blade across his wrists, watching the blood drip from them as his world faded to darkness.

\-----

Lafayette ran into the room going straight to the bathroom. Sitting in the tub was Thomas, covered in his own blood with an empty bottle of pills on the floor. He checked his pulse. Nothing. He had just lost two people in the same day. He began to cry. Finally letting out all the emotions he had been holding in since John's death.

They were all gone. He wasn't quick enough. He could have saved them! (But ya didn't!)

\-----

A week had passed. Lucy and Mary were heartbroken. Not only had they lost their brother that day, but the rest of their family died in a car accident on their way to see the girls. Lucy was being strong for her sister, but Mary was broken. She never spoke, slept, ate, or anything. 

On this particular day, Lucy entered their apartment with some donuts and coffees. When she didn't see her sister, she looked around. And found her dead much like how Thomas was found. It seemed to break her. She started crying and crying, calling Lafayette who came and picked her up. 

The pair ended up crying for hours together, Hercules being sure they had everything they needed from ice cream to tissues. It was going to be okay. They were all broken, but they could fix each other. It was just going to take a long time.

\-----

Maria and Eliza were found dead a month later. They had been murdered, and the killers had been caught. They also were found to be the same ones who kidnapped James Madison. The three were killed by James Reynolds and Aaron Burr, both of whom seemed to have no regret for their crimes. In fact, their bragging is what had got them caught. 

Another month later, George was found dead from a heart attack, and it only took two weeks for Martha to follow. This broke Lafayette more, who had begun to rely heavily on Lucy and Hercules. Through all this, Hercules kept up his strong facade. He couldn't break. Not yet.

\-----

It took everyone years to overcome it. And over those years, Lafayette and Hercules had gotten married, Lucy had become a writer, and wrote a book telling her brother and sister's stories. It had become a best seller. Peggy and Angelica had been devastated at Eliza's death, but Peggy and Lucy hit it off and were now engaged happily. Angelica almost broke at the loss of her sister and had been in intensive treatment since.

Their lives were far from perfect, but they were working to fix them. One day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi people thought I went soft. I have not. In case you couldn't tell this is not the end of the story. This was NOT a real chapter and you will return to normal chapters soon. I needed to prove a point bc some people decided to upset me over on Tumblr I made an ask blog for the characters @ask-jamilton-college-au it's lit over there. I scared everyone. I'll get the real chapter out soon!


	16. Awake

Alexander shot awake, quickly sitting up and looking around. The first thing he noticed was that he was not in a hospital. hadn't he been in a coma only moments before? The second thing was that John, who was now blinking himself awake. Alexander's eyes widened at the sight.  _ **This couldn't be real.**_  "John?" 

"Yeah?" the Carolinian sat up and wrapped his arms around the immigrant. "Bad dream again?" Alexander could only shake his head.

"I thought- you were- you- I-" He couldn't get a full sentence out. Last time he had checked, John had been dead for over two months. Now he was right here.

"Are you okay?" he put a hand on Alexander's forehead. "You're burning up... here. Lay back down. I'll go get you some water." The immigrant could only nod and do as John instructed. When he came back, Alexander downed the water before pulling John into a tight hug, softly crying.

"Hey, calm down love. It's all okay." He ran a hand through his lover's hair, trying to calm him down.

"I-I thought you were dead. It felt so real..." He shook, gripping onto John.

"It was just a dream. I'm just fine. I'll always be here for you." Alexander nodded, eventually able to fall back asleep. He awoke the next morning and looked around to see he was in John and James' dorm.

_James._

He looked around, seeing him asleep in his bed like any other day.  _Oh thank god._ He was still confused though. Last Alexander remembered he was on the brink of death, and all of a sudden he's back with John, before he had broken up with him and everything happened.

_But if I was still with John, then that meant Thomas and I never got together. I closed my eyes, clearly able to hear his voice while I was in the coma._

_Maybe this was a dream? Some fantasy my mind induced to block itself out of the pain my body was in? It all had felt too real._  Alexander looked down at John and felt his heart break a little. He hadn't realized how much he had missed the Carolinian. The immigrant leaned down and kissed the top of his head.

Alexander got out of the bed, careful not to wake up John and slipped his shoes and sweats on and grabbing his phone. "Where you goin?" he heard John ask. The immigrant turned around to face his past lover- no. His lover who had sat up.

"I'll be right back. I need to get my laptop." Alexander walked back over and pecked John's lips. After what he was still unsure of was a dream or not, it felt like he was cheating on Thomas, even though if he could remember this day. That night was when John had dumped him. He remembered waking up in bed with him, although he had spent the day with John in the 'dream'.

John nodded and he left, rushing over to his dorm. When he got inside, he leaned against the door and looked around. Thomas was perched on his bed typing something on his laptop. He had a sudden wave of memory hit him, of him stumbling into the room drunk. Of Thomas helping him out until he eventually fell asleep.

God Alexander missed him. In that coma it had felt like weeks had passed, although he had no proper sense of time. He shook his head in attempt to rid himself of the thoughts, but his mind was only flooded with seeing John in the hospital. The sound of the flatline and John going limp in his arms.

The immigrant hadn't noticed he'd been crying until Thomas spoke up. "You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

He nodded. "I feel like I did... I thought... I remember John, and, you, and James, and the accident..." The Virginian looked at Alexander like he was crazy.

"The hell you talking about?"

"I don't know. Like is this a dream? The last thing I remember was being in the coma. Was that a dream? Is this all just one big dream I dreamed up one night and I'm going to wake up alone again?" He was sobbing by this point. Thomas got up and wrapped him in a hug.

Alexander clung to him, calming quickly in the feeling of his arms. He still had no idea what was real or what was fake. "Should I call a doctor? Did you hit your head or something?" The immigrant shook his head.

"No, no doctors. I... I know it's going to sound crazy, but can you at least hear me out on this? Like everything felt so real- feels so real. It's driving me crazy."

"I guess?" And so Alexander explained. Everything from John dumping him to the car accident. "Look, I won't call a doctor, but are you sure you're okay? Like, that was almost  _too_ detailed."

"I don't know. Maybe it's a chance to save John? I have no clue. As bad as it sounds I almost miss it. I just. I don't think about John like that. Whether this is some cruel dream or that was some weird dream it messed me up."

"Maybe try talking to John about it." Alexander nodded and got up, stopping at the door. Without thinking, he turned around and pulled Thomas into a kiss. The Virginian seemed surprised at first but melted into the kiss within a few moments. Before it could go too far, the immigrant pulled away and walked out, closing the door behind him.

When he returned to John's dorm, James was gone and John was sitting on the couch. Alexander walked over and sat on the opposite side of the couch, looking at John. "Come closer." The Carolinian complained, reaching his arms out and making grabby motions to the smaller male.

"John, I-"John pulled down Alexander, who sat back up again. "Please. Please just listen to me."

"Please don't tell me this is what I think it is..."

"That depends on what you think. I just. I can't do this. Us. I still love you like a friend, and-" Alexander was cut off by a sharp smack to the face.

"You better stop it right there." Alexander looked at John, wide-eyed. John had never laid a hand on him. He had never done anything like that.

"John what do you-" Another slap.

"Alexander. You can't leave me. It was okay when you wanted to stay, but I need you! I'd  ** _die_  **without you." Alexander shook his head and got up.

"John, calm down. It's not like you to be like this." John only shook his head and got up, grabbing onto Alexander's arms before he could leave.

"But that was before you tried to leave me Alex! You're mine. You promised me you were mine, remember?" Alexander felt tears threatening to spill, holding himself back as he struggled against John's grip. he succeeded, if only momentarily. Before he could open the door, John slammed him against the wall, grabbing onto his wrists and pinning him there with his body.

"John, please don't do this..." Alexander begged, holding back a sob. He knew what was going to happen, and it hurt even more that John was the one to do something like that.

"You brought this upon yourself, darling." No, Alexander thought that was what hurt, but darling was what Thomas had always called him. he was the only one who could call him that...

"Please John..." He got no further reply.

»»————- ————-««

When Alexander awoke again he was alone in John's bed. Everything hurt, and there were marks on his wrists from where they had chafed against the scarves John had used to bind his wrists to the headboard. he carefully got up, every step causing pain to shoot through his body.

It took a while, but when he finally got back to the dorm it felt like something had been lifted off his shoulders. Thomas was sitting at his desk when the immigrant came in, who went and laid down face first into his bed. He thought his limp went unnoticed for a solid minute before Thomas mentioned something.

"Are you okay? You're limping pretty badly." Alexander's breath caught in his throat.

"I'm fine. I'll live." He gave his roommate a weak smile before curling up in a ball, letting himself silently cry. John had always been one of his best friends. They worked so well together. What had happened to him? The John Alexander remembered would have nodded and asked about who he had his eye on. The John he remembered would never have forced him to do anything or hit him.

Maybe it was a one-time thing. A new medication or something. Yeah. That was it. John was going to come in and apologise  any minute now. That didn't happen. About two hours later, Alexander got a text from John.

> **Jacky <3:  
> ** Get your ass back here right now Alexander.  
>  I never said you could leave  
>  Please, love I can't live without you. 

Alexander gagged at the name. It did seem odd though how it was spelled differently then he remembered. Oh well.

> **Alex:  
>  I'm sorry  
>  I'm on my way now.**

Alexander got up and slipped on his shoes before leaving.

> **Jacky <3:  
>  Sir*  
>  I'm sorry Sir***

The messages made him gag. There was no way this was his John. This had to be some sort of coma induced dream. When Alexander got to the room, he knocked on the door and was pulled into the room when it opened, wincing as he was thrown to the ground.

"Why did you leave? It took you longer than normal to get over here. You were fucking Jefferson weren't you?" Every sentence was punctuated with a kick, and Alexander curled in on himself.

"I wasn't I swear! I was just writing a paper." Alexander carefully stood up, giving up on hiding his tears. For a moment guilt passed over John's face, but it was gone as soon as it was there.

"I'm so sorry Lexi. I just need to teach you how to behave. You know how much I love you." All Alexander could do was nod. "But I do need to make sure you know the rules." Alexander was pushed onto the couch, John crawling on top of him so he was straddling him. If James walked in it would seem loving, but Alexander could tell it was anything but.

"First off, you will address me as Sir. You're lucky some slut like you gets my love. Next, you will move in here. I've already requested a room transfer for you, and James has agreed to it. Third, I want you here whenever I say. If I tell you to be here, you fucking come or there will be consequences. Lastly. Nobody knows about any of this. To everyone else we're still that happy normal couple we were before you tried cheating on me." He paused, thinking. "Oh! And I want your phone password. I'm going to delete all the contacts I don't deem okay."

Alexander nodded again, tears once again threatening to fall. There was the sound of somebody unlocking the door and before he could do anything John smashed their lips together. Despite wanting to run off and never come back, Alexander allowed him, trying not to sob through it.

_What had happened to his life?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to apologise but what would I be apologising for?


	17. Survive

It had been a week since Alexander had woken up. There was no obvious change to anyone who didn't know him, but when Lafayette and Hercules returned from France, they were the first to notice the changes, the biggest one being that he went from picking fights with everyone all the time to never at all. It was unsettling to say the least.

Thomas however, noticed the changes most prominently. For one, Alexander always jumped whenever his phone went off, and nine times out of ten would be rushing off to John's dorm within seconds. He also noticed bruises on Alexander's wrist, and when asked about it the immigrant would just say something along the lines of "wouldn't you like to know?".

Today was no different. Alexander was relaxing on the couch when his phone went off, quickly checked it, and was out the door as soon as he could. When he returned, he seemed nervous, although Thomas couldn't fathom why. Alexander set his things down on the counter and came over to the couch, sitting down next to him. 

About halfway through the movie he had been watching, Thomas heard Alexander begin to cry. It started out quietly and barely noticeable, but quickly became sobs. The Virginian turned to see Alexander curled in on himself, shaking and sobbing. Thomas wrapped his arms around the small immigrant and hugged him close, although it only resulted in more sobbing.

"I-I'm so sorry. I c-can't..." Thomas rubbed his back and shushed him softly.

"It's okay. Just breathe, it's okay." They stayed like that for a bit, the movie still playing in the background. Alexander's breathing eventually evened out, and when it did Thomas turned off the tv and gently picked the small immigrant up, who was much lighter then he had seemed only a week ago. The Virginian gently set him down on the bed and turned to walk away, when he felt a fand gently grabbing his wrist. He turned to see Alexander, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

"Stay..." was all he said. Thomas glanced around before nodding and laying down next to Alexander, who wrapped himself around Thomas, falling asleep quickly. Thomas followed suit quickly after.

  »»————- ————-«« 

Alexander and Thomas woke up in the morning to a loud banging on the door.  Alexander's eyes widened as he scurried up, telling Thomas to go lay in his bed like he had been there all night. Thomas did what Alexander said, while the immigrant went to the door. The Virginian herd shouting as soon as the door was opened.

"Why the fuck haven't you been answering your phone! Did you think you could just ignore me?" There was a loud smack that rang through the dorm and a sharp intake of breath.

"John, I'm sorry I was asleep I d-didn't mean-"

"Stop lying! I'd bet anything you were too busy fucking Jefferson! And, what did I say about calling me that?"

Thomas decided that was where to draw the line. he emerged to where he could see John standing over a cowering Alexander. "S-sorry, sir I was asleep I swear."

Neither of them had noticed him, and John raised a hand, smacking Alexander, who fell to the floor, tears falling down his face. Thomas instinctively rushed forward to make sure Alexander was okay. Something flashed in John's eyes before they hardened.

"So you lied to me? You have been fucking him haven't you?!" John was shouting. He kicked Alexander in the ribs, who gasped at the pain before clutching the spot. Thomas stood up and punched John square in the jaw, effectively getting home out of the dorm before shutting the door and locking it.

Once John was taken care of, Thomas knelt down next to Alexander. Alexander was sobbing, clutching his side. "Hey, Alex it's okay. Deep breaths I've got you. I need to check to make sure nothing is broken. Will you let me do that?"

Alexander nodded after a few moments, lifting up the shirt enough so Thomas could see the growing bruise on his ribcage. "Alexander you need to go to the hospital. This looks bad." The immigrant only nodded in response, letting Thomas puck him up and carry him to his car.

When they got to the emergency room, the doctors took Alexander straight back, seeing the condition he was in. They let Thomas go with them, as Alexander wouldn't let go of his hand.

It took a few hours, but by the time they were done, they had sent officers to John's dorm to take him in for questioning. Alexander had tried lying, but Thomas had then proceeded to tell the doctors the truth, or at least what he'd seen.

Because his ribs weren't the only concern, they decided to keep him overnight. Alexander and Thomas settled down to relax, playing a 'friendly' game of Uno. Throughout the night, Alexander would freak out of the doctors would try to ask Thomas to leave, or take Alexander away to run tests.

"I just want to close my eyes and have this all be a dream. Open them to where I remember. Everything just fine. I'd be waking up from a coma. It would have been so much nicer though. Maybe that was why my mind made it up. To protect me from this shitty reality." Alexander said, curled in a ball.

"I don't know. Maybe this is the dream and it's some coma induced ideal made up of your biggest fears. Who knows." Alexander smacked Thomas at that comment, grinning.

"Oh shush. I've basically accepted this as my reality. Running around for John all the time..."

"Why didn't you say anything sooner? You don't deserve that kind of shit." Alexander started crying again. Thomas wrapped his arms around the smaller man, holding him close. "Hey, it's okay. It's going to be alright Alex. You're safe now. He's not going to hurt you again."

Alexander didn't reply, only sobbed harder. He was shaking and a complete mess, but he could care less. Alexander couldn't even find it in himself to care that everything that had happened between him and Thomas was a dream. He still felt so safe in his arms. The immigrant closed his eyes and started to doze off. Yes. It was going to be alright.

  »»————- ————-«« 

Alexander woke up to a cold bed and an empty room. He was alone, and there was no sign there was anyone else had been in the room for a few hours at least. So he was alone. Alexander reached for his phone to text Thomas.

> **CaffeineWhore:  
>  Hey, where'd you go?**
> 
> **MacNCheeseFucker:  
>  Home. Why would I stay in the hospital with your dumbass?**
> 
> **CaffeineWhore:  
>  Wait what?**
> 
> **MacNCheeseFucker:**   
>  **You can't seriously believe it wasn't only pity.  
> ** **You're even stupider then I thought.**   
>  **Why would you think I'd actually care about you?  
> ** **Sure, John was a dick but it didn't affect me.  
> ** **Take care of yourself, because next time I may not feel bad for ya.**

Alexander didn't have it in himself to respond. He was truly alone again. He had driven Lafayette and Hercules away. John was gone. Thomas didn't care about him. He was truly and utterly alone. He didn't try to stop the tears this time. He sobbed for god knows how long.

At one point a nurse came in and brought him food, telling him he needed to eat. Alexander didn's listen. He only cried more. He didn't deserve food. He didn't deserve life. So he did the one thing he knew would get him out of this hell.

Alexander shakily got up and started looking through the room. He eventually found a box of razors in a cabinet in the bathroom. There was nothing left for him anyways. Before he could be stopped by anyone he brought one of the blades down on his wrists, long, thin stripes of red sprouting from both arms. Moments later everything went black. Everything was gone.

 

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

Alexander heard the beeps. No, he failed. he tried moving his arms but to no avail. Then he noticed he couldn't move any part of his body. He tried opening his eyes, which was difficult but successful. Great. Another hospital stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the late and very short chapter I had surgery a few days ago and I needed to get something out so it was known I'm alive. The next chapter is going to be longer to make up for this short chapter and long wait. I'll get it done faster next time I promise! Ily and tysm for your support and patience


	18. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry everyone, But I think I'm going to be stopping this fic. Writing it has become more of a chore than anything, and I'm not really proud of it. I'm currently going through all my fics, and I plan to pull everything down to Two or three fics. I might go through and edit everything, possibly update and revamp it, but now that writing this is a chore and doesn't interest me anymore. Again, I'm sorry, but I wanted to give you all the last little bit. This was the first fic I had ever written, so I know it was shit, and unthought out. I took the idea much farther than intended, so I'll just give you all a brief summary of what was going to happen. I'm also changing it a bit to make it happier.

Thomas was the first one to see Alexander's eyes were open. He hopped up from his seat on the side of the bed, rushing over to take his hand. Alexander looked at him with wide eyes, as if he was shocked he was actually there. Thomas gave him a gentle smile, squeezing his hand lightly.

"Do you want me to go get a doctor? Your heart rate has been going insane for the past few weeks. Washington was going to pull the plug in a week or so and- I don't care I'm just so glad you're okay." Thomas hugged Alexander, holding him close. As nervous as Alexander was, he let it happen, seeing as how relieved he seemed to be seeing him.

But then again, the last time someone he cared about left and came back, they turned him into nothing more than merely an object of pleasure and-

His heart monitor was going crazy, and several nurses rushed in to make sure everything was alright. Thomas had stepped away, looking completely broken. Like a child who went to a candy store with their parents, but they didn't get any candy. Or like a puppy kicked by their owner. It was a heartbroken look, and Alexander was able to see it was one he had been wearing for a long time.

What was even real anymore? The doctors seemed genuinely surprised he was awake. Had all that been a dream? Was John actually dead? Alexander felt warm tears start falling down his face. If that was a dream, then Thomas was probably worried sick... and James! What had happened to him?

When he was calmed down enough, the doctors let him be, and when Thomas was able to he attacked Alexander with a bone-crushing hug. Instead of freaking out like he had done previously, Alexander melted into the embrace, enjoying the warmth and familiarity of being in Thomas' arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." Alexander repeatedly muttered, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes.

Thomas pulled away, looking him in the eyes. "Alex, what are you apologizing for, everything is okay." Alexander shook his head and begun sobbing into Thomas' chest. The immigrant continued to sob, Thomas running his hand through his hair soothingly. "Lexi, please listen to me. It's going to be okay. You are going to be alright. Please. You're one of the last people I have left, Lex, you're strong. You're going to make it through this."

Alexander pulled away a bit, looking up at Thomas with concern in his eyes. "W-where's James? And L-laf?" When Alexander mentioned James' name, Thomas started to cry. Alexander was shocked, hugging his partner and holding him close.

"J-James is dead, L-Lexi. H-he was k-killed and al I d-did was stand and w-watch..." Thomas cried between sobs. "L-Lex, I failed I-I could have saved h-him! He'd-he'd still be h-here!" Alexander shushed him, holding back his own sobs. That didn't matter right now. What mattered was that Thomas was okay.

"Hey, Thomas no everything is going to be okay. I'm sure there was nothing you can do... just please don't leave me. Please..." Alexander felt warm tears falling down his face. They continued to hold each other and cry, Thomas calming down rather quickly and turning his full attention to Alexander.

"It's going to be okay..." Thomas mumbled, unsure if he was saying it more for himself or Alexander. "We're going to be okay..." Alex nodded, pulling away from him and wiping the tears off his face. Behind Thomas, the door opened, Lafayette, Hercules, George, and Martha all rushing in. They all came over, tackling him in a bear hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After fully healing, Alexander discharges from the hospital. Everyone goes back to school and finishes college. Thomas' parents pass near the end of college, so after they finish, Alex and Thomas move to Monticello. Martha and George pass not long after they graduate (both from old age and they have Alex and Laf there.) Since Alexander was with Thomas in Monticello, Laf and Herc move into Mount Vernon. Years later, Alex and Thomas adopt a boy, and he looks shOCkiNGlY similar to John. (spoiler alert, he's named after John and ends up very similar to him.) Laf and Herc adopt a little boy named Georges. Years after Alex and Thomas adopt a little girl named Philippa. Pippa was going to be trans and become Philip. Philip was going to end up with Georges, who, was one of his best friends growing up. John ends up with Theodosia. Alex dies several years before Thomas from illness, but has everyone by his side. Thomas dies of old age with Pip and John there. Laf is killed in a car accident while Georges is about 7. Herc dies of old age as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Tysm for reading! Feel free to come yell at me!


End file.
